fat sex

I saw this meme and loved it.  Fat sex is my life.  Disabled sex is my life also.  I might be too fat to sit on anyone’s lap like this.  But I relate to the lovers on the couch.

Many people like to see themselves accurately portrayed in art and media, and I imagine how that can feel validating and empowering.  Personally, I don’t watch movies or tv, partly because I can’t take how my body is portrayed.  I like to create my own media.

I honor the people who feel hurt by not seeing themselves fairly and kindly depicted on screen.  And I respect people who long for accurate depiction and feel nourished by it.

disabled barbie dolls

I remember when a friend was excited about disabled barbie dolls.  I had a bad reaction, like yuck–it’s a product.  Made of plastic, smelling of chemicals, wrapped in tons of packaging, sold at walmart, advertised as a solution to a problem that can only be solved by revolution.  The toy company isn’t making these to help you–they’re making them to get rich, not caring how they pollute Mother Earth in the process.  Crankily, I was like, can’t we make our own disabled dolls?

I’m sorry I was out of touch with the real world.  I learned from that experience, and I’m trying not to be so hardassed.  Kids’ feelings of being ok people are way more important than my outlier anarchist anti-capitalism ire.

fat sex

But back to fat sex.  I’m a very hot superfat woman, but I do hotness in my own way.  I’m not going to wear high heels or perform gender cliche-ly.  I’ll do hotness with these.

• pretty breasts
• joyful smile
• oral skills
• advanced vulnerability
• being direct
• asking for what I want
• offering what I want to give
• using language skillfully
• consent
• spinning detailed erotic fantasies with nothing held back
• going into ecstatic states readily
• coming
• bdsm
• kindness
• devoted attention
• honesty
• building something meaningful longterm
• collaborative learning
• treating everyone I love as an individual
• respect
• bonding
• love with freedom
• large hips
• creativity
• responsiveness

sex everywhere

It’s important that my sexuality is integrated with all of me.  Not to say I’m inappropriately humping everything, or talking about sex constantly.

Just that my sexual energy is present in everything I do.  The spark of life that makes me want to come on my spouse or anyone is the same spark of life that drives me to make art, cook delicious foods, have conversations, care for my body, write, walk, dance.  I’m glad my sexuality isn’t coldly walled off from the rest of me.  I need to live with sex as central, and be honest about that, especially with myself.

This is contrary to the morals I was taught as a kid.  Christianity told me my body was sinful, and the flesh was untrustworthy at best.  The misogyny I was taught in church damaged me, and I’m still healing.

Add to all that my fatness, and I was really not ok in my body.  Reclaiming self-love and the joy of embodiment is a lot of effort, and one of my favorite things to work toward.

movie

My best friend years ago had a favorite movie, and she wanted me to watch it.  I found it at the library and tried to watch.  The main characters are a couple, and the woman gets pregnant accidentally.  There’s a part where she says she’s afraid of getting fat.  The man promises her that even if she gets so fat he can’t find her vagina, he will keep loving her.

I found the movie really hard to watch after that.  It was supposed to be a funny promise, and in a way it’s sweet, the idea of undying love.  But in the world of that movie, being fat was a horrible thing to be.  I kept thinking of folds of skin, fatness as dysfunction, and finding a vagina–I think he meant vulva.

Seemed like the woman was a thin person, and if she got fat, the fat would be covering her real self–her real self would be buried deep in fat.  And her vagina was part of the real self, which would be hard to find.

It still troubles me.  Am I that fat?  Well, I know where my vagina is at all times.  And my spouse has never had trouble finding it…  Maybe it was just a hyperbole I never understood.  But it hurts, that the victim of the joke is me.

other movie

Another former best friend loved David Lynch, and she wanted me to watch one of his movies because she thought I would really like it.  In that movie, a fat white woman is sitting outside with a snack.  Her snack is plain potato chips and pink desert treats kind of like twinkies.  Her snack is obviously not an ok snack, to the viewer.  She’s supposed to be pathetic, ridiculous, and funny.

Again, I was like wtf.  I’m supposed to watch this movie where the person who looks like me is joke, and I’m supposed to think that’s funny?  My bestie of the time was a thin, gorgeous woman who had not noticed the fat shaming.  I told her about it, and she resisted what I was saying.

Then she thought about it–maybe she rewatched the movie.  And she told me I was right.  David Lynch was fat shaming badly.

valid

Thank you for acknowledging that fat sex happens.  I’m valid.  Disabled sex and elder sex happen also.  Many people have sex who are seldom portrayed in media as sexual beings.  I like to create my own media, but also to support realistic mainstream media when I can.

Pleasure is a human right, love is love, and all bodies are valid bodies.  Love to the truth.