fuck you

Fuck you for inviting me to your bed, having a tender sexual experience with me, and rejecting me the following day.

Fuck you for acting like every selfish, horny, immature boy acted toward me from the time I was age 10 to the time I was age 22.  But flying across the country on an airplane, to revive the tradition.

Fuck you for touching my trauma and causing me harm, then doing almost nothing to help me, as you continued to sleep in my guest room and do whatever the fuck you wanted.  Your half-assed, flippant apology was Not Adequate.

Fuck you for choosing an unknown, innocent lady in Miami over me.

Fuck you for choosing your abusive ex over me.

Fuck you for lying to me.

Fuck you for having a friendship with me where I thought we were close and you’d never lie to me or deceive me.  I believed we were good friends–you’d never treat me that way.  I trusted you completely.  Never was I abusive, demanding, or harsh with you in any way–there was no reason for you to lie to me.  The reasons you gave for lying to others were a cover.  You just lie to everyone.

Fuck you for taking advantage of my trust.

Fuck you for wasting so much of my time and energ, as I recover from the ways you hurt me.

Fuck you for wasting so much of my spouse’s time and energy, as he helps me.  That was messed up to do to him also.

Fuck you for choosing weed over me.

Fuck you for choosing BBQs, karaoke on the beach, money, your house, and the middle-aged men you play Magic with over me.

Fuck you for every promise you made to me and broke, every plan you made with me and didn’t follow through with.  Especially the ones that were your idea.

Fuck you for every conversation I needed that you wouldn’t have with me.

Fuck you for every question you never answered.

Fuck you for sending me flowers on my mom’s death anniversary that included red roses, saying you loved me for two days, then reverting to your cliche avoidant fuckery that left me confused and agonizing over what I did wrong.  The vulnerable lady I was then really did not deserve that.

Fuck you for expressing warm tenderness toward cats but ignoring the disabled human being you hurt who was me.

Fuck you for the mail I sent that you never acknowledged.

Fuck you for letting the tree collard cuttings die.  We chose those lovingly for you, packaged them carefully, and I kissed them before my spouse mailed them to you.

Fuck you for never saying I could come visit you there.

Fuck you for losing the rings I gave you.  The one you found in the drier, and the one you can’t even remember.

Fuck you for how you stopped poloing with me and never explained, apologized, or mentioned it at all.

Fuck you for not really caring about the panic attacks I had in the night because I was so afraid for your life, as you stayed in domestic violence with your abuser.

Fuck you for treating me as a resource, not the vulnerable, attentive, kind, brilliant lady who was in love with you.

Fuck you that I gave you my community, my friends, and my spouse, and you gave me none of your people.

Fuck you that I let you in, in every way, and you let me half-way in.

Fuck you for using me.

Fuck you for being emotionally irresponsible to the point of abuse.

Fuck you for being another player who portrayed himself as decent and kind.

Fuck you for pretending you’re all about love, when you don’t know shit about love.

Fuck you for your lack of integrity.  When you said you were working on it, I was never the one who benefited.

Fuck you for all the ways you’re wonderful that I lose as I lose all of you.