Inviting vampires into the house is a bad idea, but they’re so damn charming, right? And you didn’t know when you invited them in, of course. The charming facilitates the harming. We should do a fang-check at the door.
This is hopefully the last unsent letter to someone charming.
image credit: Jack of hearts, unchanged, Etcha, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
I wish the best to you and the people you’ve connected with in your current situation. I pray you’re kind to one another, needs met in a healthy way.
Today I realized that I was wishing for sex with you to heal the pain I felt, being hurt over the course of our relationship. Sex was a beautiful, sacred goal–going into that transcendent state with you would be the healing I needed. I could be fully myself, with blissful mutual pleasure, and receive kindness and love from you, in a simple way. Yes, I wanted that.
In a happy relationship, sex can work that way, to shake the etch-a-sketch and smooth over conflict, reset back to zero.
But when you were here and we had sexual contact, that was totally destructive. I realized today that sex is only happy and healing within the context of a happy relationship.
So even if you wanted to communicate with me, be tender, show up with honesty and aftercare, doesn’t matter–those are skills you haven’t chosen to cultivate. I asked you many times if I could help you learn to communicate, and you never said yes.
I thought if I could be with you in person, I’d hold your hand, look into your eyes, hold you, and it would be so nourishing. Yes, I wanted to tell you in person how beautiful you are, and how dear to me. But we never held hands even to pray. I never got to look into your eyes. We didn’t have a ritual. You were here in body, but you still wouldn’t be real with me.
So it was partly pointless. I enjoyed cooking for you and dancing, but I never felt like you were really dancing with me. We never took a photo, me and you.
It was cool to do art in the tunnels. But the good didn’t make up for the pain. I did hard work, to be present with you as our part-time family member, but I didn’t get a payoff of intimacy. No, I got hurt more, and hurt sexually, which was a horrible surprise.
I thought in person, intimacy would be easy, but it almost seems easier over txt; I can tell the truth to you succinctly and directly. It’s a little world that I always loved to be in with you. Whispering my truth in your ear, a few sentences at a time.
not using sex to connect
Today when I realized that sex with you wouldn’t fix anything, that was a big deal to face. You don’t use sex to connect. You’re not learning about sex and going deep, spiritually and emotionally–you’re having sex like a teenage boy who can be lustful and curious, but is not using his body to do love and nourish people. So it ends up hurting the vulnerable ones who love you and want you inside of us.
You portray yourself as all about love, so I wish you’d follow through, and use your entire self including your body and sexual energy to do love. That’s your choice. You could prioritize learning and practicing that, but you prioritize distraction, entertainment, and numbing yourself with substances. You’re not going deep–you’re looking for the next distraction.
If that’s how you want to live, I guess that’s ok, but I think of artists as people who sit with Truth. I misunderstood you.
If you want to be a perpetual teenager, connecting only in a shallow way, that’s your choice. But you need to be honest about that. Deceit is fooling and harming people really bad, and I did not deserve that.
Last letter I wrote to you, I told you my ideal scenario: you having a nurturing, nonviolent open relationship at home, and coming here to be with me and my spouse often, holding me as a treasured girlfriend, making love with me, and getting nurtured here with me and my spouse.
Then last night I realized that was a silly idea. You couldn’t go from being violenced and unable to communicate, to having two healthy open relationships–sounds impossible. You couldn’t go from fucked up relating with your ex, to healthy, good communication clarity with me and a lucky lady in your city. Open relationship requires transparency and skill.
If you wanted that, you’d be working toward it. Your way of fucking around must be good for you, which is why you’re doing it? Hard to say. If you want something different, please tell me.
Thank you for accepting my words. I hope you can hear what I’m saying in the spirit that it’s given: helpfulness, sharing my heart. I’m happy I’m speaking my truth to you, even if you don’t speak yours to me. I hope you appreciate hearing me explain what I notice.
I’m doing well, sleeping enough. The cool weather here is thrilling. My spouse and I went for a long walk at dawn, and I went for a short walk by myself later in the morning.
I pray to Mother God for your safety and well-being, charming man. Please be kind to yourself and others.
Nest Hardwon Resiliency