visit

A friend I’d been in love with for more than a year came to visit.  Communication is not a strength of his.  So I wasn’t sure what he was coming for.

He’d just broken up with his abusive partner, more definitively this time, and it was a good chance for him to travel.  But why was he excited to see us?  I pondered a few of his txts and decided he wanted stability and safe family love.

But his first full day here, our hugs were getting longer and cuddlier.  When I held him, my cunt ached with arousal.  I wanted him to fuck me more than I wanted anything in the world.  My heart beat fast, my clit was big, and I was flooded with bonding hormones, like the oxytocin slut that I am.

breasts

That night I wanted to be close to him.  I txted to ask if I could come to his guest room to cuddle him, and tell him how good he is and that many people want to be kind to him.  He said yes, and I was surprised he was in bed, wearing nothing but his chonies, and it was dark.

He made room for me in the bed, and I was surprised he went for my breasts almost immediately.  Wow, I wanted it really bad, but I thought of cuddle as a sweet, not necessarily sexual thing to do.  He asked for consent to suck on my nipples, and I said no, not this time.

I was vulnerable, in love with him already, and this was the first sexual encounter I’d had for a long time with anyone besides my spouse.

visit

My spouse knew I was in love with my friend who came to visit–he knows how I feel about everyone.  I tell him everything.  He’s my family member for a reason–I super-like him, and I share my life with him.

The night our visitor said yes to my cuddle overture, I told my spouse, “I’ll be back in less than an hour.  We’re going to cuddle.  Is that ok with you?”

“Yes,” my spouse said.

“Are you feeling ok with that?”

“Yes, I’m good,” he said.

nipples

Before the friend came to visit, my spouse and I talked about boundaries and germ risk–two or three conversations, changing our minds a few times.  Pandemic makes it more confusing.

I wasn’t cleared for sex, which is why I said no, when my friend asked in bed if he could suck on my nipples.  Wow, I wanted that really bad, but no way was I going to hurt my spouse by having sex with my friend without a pre-sex conversation.

My nipples being touched wasn’t part of the plan, but like I mentioned, my friend is a poor communicator.  He just did that without asking, so I didn’t have a choice.  But I could set a boundary for nothing more than that, which I did.  Go me.

Partway through the encounter, I really wanted to change my mind.  I wanted to ask my friend to lick and suck on my nipples really bad.  But I didn’t want to hurt my spouse, and my arousal way already high.  I was not my usual self.

If my arousal got any higher, I might lose control entirely–lose my reasoning skills and impulse control, and do something like suck his dick.  That was definitely not allowed without a conversation, if only about STIs and safety.

consequences

My friend has low impulse control to begin with.  Something feels good in a moment–he forgets that other moments exist.  He seemed to forget his girlfriend existed also!  I learned of her the following day.

So it’s really good I didn’t suck his dick or otherwise get more freaky, because he’s deceitful, uses people, lacks even basic relationship skills, and hurt me badly, to the point that I asked him to leave.  I tried to get along with him for a few days, but having him here treating me irresponsibly hurt me so badly that I was not sleeping.  Losing my health was not ok.

If I’d sucked his dick like I so badly wanted to, things might have turned out differently.  He might have had a more emotional reaction to me, recognized something significant had happened, and been kinder to me the next morning?

Or more likely, avoidantly, he might have pulled away more harshly, and hurt me to the point that I lost my shit and screamed at him.  Yuck–a scene.

Or what if he has an STI, and I caught something that I passed to my spouse?  That would be unfair, that my spouse could spend the rest of his life with an STI just because I blew someone without a conversation.  A horny half-hour is not worth giving my spouse decades with a stigmatized illness.  Yikes!

conclusion

My spouse is so brilliant, funny, creative, gorgeous, sexy, strange, disabled, and the most generous person I know.  He’s fucking amazing.  He knows how to love, isn’t afraid to feel, works to communicate, and shows up every day.  I adore him.

The friend who came to visit lacks integrity, to the point of abusing me and other vulnerable people.  For so long I didn’t understand why he doesn’t have women friends–now I know why.  They see the train wreck and walk away, or get hit by the train like I did.  Either way, they leave the scene if they can.

Because he won’t have direct conversations about what he’s doing, collaborative healing and intentionality aren’t possible.  He hurt me many times; I could heal on my own with a lot of effort, but after a while, I can’t deny that healing myself from his harm is a waste of energy and life.

There’s an excitement factor, and he helped me learn new things.  But mostly I took a spark from him and tended the fires myself.  True he could inspire something, but the actual work was mine.

Tenderness, true love, and powerful lust have kept me in it.  My sweet, kind body wanted to hold, nurture, feed, touch, care for, come on, blow, and be fucked by his body.  I wanted to be family with him and do something significant, long term.

But he chooses deceit, selfishness, and meaningless pleasure over honest intimacy.  So the relationship can’t be anything but harm.

why

Still not sure why my friend paid this visit.  Because he could–because he was bored?  Maybe for trustworthy family love, or just to see what more he could get from us.

I’m crazy disabled and can’t afford to be hurt.  Years ago I might have, but I grew some self-respect.  No way will I sacrifice my well-being for his.

Possibly it was my pretty breasts he came for.  Would someone fly across the country to visit for my large, soft tits?

I’ve never claimed to understand people.  He’s the kind of joker who likes to keep his options open.  I learned that his poor communication plus lack of impulse control, deceit, and selfishness add up to harm.  Four thumbs down–will not be used again.