I saw this meme and pondered it. Yes, I have been unskillfully fingered by people who were clueless about anatomy and what feels good to me. Yes, they were cis white guys.
The men in this picture, looking abled and cis-het, wearing similar style clothes and sunglasses, youngish, insecure, maybe angry, selfish–these are people I avoid as much as I can. I like to surround myself with women and nonbinary people, queer people, disabled people, and artists. Not clueless white guys with money who are just interested in themselves but need others as props.
The sexual philosophy of these guys I imagine: I know how to rub my dick till I come and what kinds of porn I like. I know what style of women I do it with. But my ego is wrapped up in how well I perform sexually. Rather than learn as much as I can about sex in order to be kind and satisfying to another person, I’m terrified and do it as quickly as possible. Being with another person is about my pleasure, but then I have deep fears of being sexually inadequate. So I want to do it with someone easy to please who will come in two minutes and tell me how great I am.
Yes, they’re supposed to crave sex and be great at it, but actually they’re terrified, running away from knowledge rather than moving toward it–staying ignorant. Locker room talk can be braggy about conquest. But it covers only a tiny part of what sex is. Everything else just goes ignored.
If their life is about entitlement, of course it would be like that. The white guys can pay for most of what they need. Connecting vulnerably to another person who probably wants love and relationship in addition to sex is complicated and very confusing.
Clear communication is impossible. Negotiations will be attempts to charm, deceive, and say what they think the other person wants to hear, not share the truth.
Truth requires self-knowledge to begin with. Self-knowledge is not something these men are good at. They believe in the system and that they’re normal, that normal is desirable. They believe themselves to be the standard person. Ignorant insecurity means they believe they know everything they need to know already.
But deep down, they’re full of squelched creativity and desires. Maybe they really want to be a writer, but that sounds too risky. Maybe they actually like men, but have no way to bridge the gap between their fantasies and the normal life they’ve built for themselves. Or trauma of violence and violation in their past is chasing them, and rather than admit that and work on it, they’re numbing themselves with substances and cliche pleasures that money can buy.
content warning: mention of sexual violation
Yes, I know dudes like this–I went to school with them. When I was a teenager, one tried to rape me in the back of his van. Others made overtures and wanted to try stuff out with me, using me, not connecting in an authentic way.
I would feel confused at how their words didn’t match their actions. I’d want to believe the kindness and love they expressed, then feel hurt and weirded out by how they would suddenly drop me or lose interest overnight. I gave them way more credit than they deserved. They were cluelessly flailing, or downright manipulative and exploiting me.
I’d think they were just making a mistake, there was some misunderstanding. Or I’d believe it was my fault for being not appealing enough. Of course he dropped me–I didn’t have sex with him fast enough, or I’m not a regular kind of pretty. It was way easier to blame myself than to admit the world was full of clueless white guys who we experimenting at my expense or just using me.
not an option
The behavior I’m talking about of these meme men was not an option for me. I was curious, creative, disabled, and queer. Highly emotional, not rich, and a woman. Introspection is my life, and I couldn’t do what was commonplace and expected even if I wanted to.
My sexual philosophy is: Sexuality is central to who I am. I need sexual pleasure as joy, connection, and religious transcendence. The sexual violence I’ve endured is something I face; it caused trauma I’m honest about and healing. Sex is my favorite way to connect and experience embodiment and who I am. I don’t need a Master’s degree, but I’ve amassed knowledge about my own sexuality and how sex is for other people. It fascinates me, and I move toward the complexity rather than running away.
Thank you to the meme makers for giving me this food for thought. I don’t want to hate on the white guys unduly, but I’m telling you my experience. When you’re king and don’t need to learn about others, it’s easy to stay stuck in a bubble.
But vulnerability and being real are everything to me. I seek out other queer, disabled, non-white, and non-men people to do life with who there’s a way better chance of deep connection with.
What I’ve left out is how my dad was a white guy; I sometimes fall in love with them, looking for validation that my dad didn’t give to me. It doesn’t work out well for anyone. Sorry about that. I’m not going to do that anymore.