Nurturing from cis-men can feel so rare–we’re beaming with joy, that a cis-man did something kind.
I’ve been in the situation of my head hitting a wall during sex, and advocating for myself, or someone else advocating for me. A few times, I was not able to say “stop” to move the pillow in place. Then I felt the headache later.
Do you love me in a way that you will actually work collaboratively with me, toward my well-being? Will you respect me, meet me halfway, see me as a person outside of existing to please you?
Or do you love me in a way that you will say the magic words, then use me until I’ve been hurt one too many times and say goodbye?
kind
People mean vastly different things, by love. I only want to be close to people who are kind. But unkind people are intentionally deceptive, at the beginning.
Something can start good and shift so terrible. Then I have to decide where to draw the line. It hurts, to feel unsure how significant the pain is, and does he have a good reason for what he just did. Maybe that was a one time thing. Maybe I got hurt because I feel too much and I’m a messed up person.
I have no idea what’s a reasonable expectation. Where would I take Reasonable lessons? I never saw a happy relationship modeled in the adults around me, when I was a kid. I’m making my own path.
goals
The last man I loved, I was confused, navigating the harm he gave to me and the help, swirled together. I needed family love. This beautiful man half-gave family love to me.
It got to be too painful, and I had to choose something different. But letting go of the small amount of love I was receiving hurt me. Losing anything was losing too much.
Breaking up is like medicine. The doctor freezes off the wart, which hurts in the short term for a long term improvement Or the surgeon cuts into the patient. We hope that planned invasive harm will be worth the benefit the surgery is for–removing a cancer or appendix or bullet.
I need to make room in my life for someone who actually wants to love me in a kind way that will help me become the person I want to be. But I’m grieving my mom, plus struggling with my usual crazy and disabilities. It’s almost impossible to afford the short term stress of breaking up, for the goal of joyful freedom.
more
There are many ways to change a relationship, if the people are willing to try. Can I learn to need less, so I can feel stronger and get less hurt? Needing less shouldn’t be a goal of mine. I’ve spent so many years, contorting myself to fit with people who were unbending.
I never wanted a disposable relationship. There was a strong emotional, spiritual component with this man. I couldn’t help how intensely I loved him. Maybe he was put into my life for a reason, and I was put into his for a reason. I hope one day to be close to him again, once we’ve separately learned what we need to learn.
vision
I don’t want to live in a world where I’m expected to hold the vision of my family, create the to do list daily, remind, hold accountable, hold the feelings, meet the needs, feed, blow, and constantly work toward the well-being of someone who’s not doing the same for me. A better world is possible.
If I’m writing in the birthday card to my spouse’s sister, address the envelope, put the stamp, and my spouse writes “happy birthday, I love you” he’s a shining miracle. It took him ten seconds, and it took me a lifetime of caring, tracking, making the effort, being responsible. It’s not fair that he gets the credit for my labor and emotional labor.
But maybe it’s ok. I want him to have many people in his life who love him. I don’t want to be the only one. Investing energy into his relationship with this sister means he’ll be able to reach out to her when their mom dies, or when I do.
Being kind is its own reward, but community is a bonus.
