Sometimes I wish safety was possible. I saw this meme saying “Monogamy is not a safety net” and felt a sad joy of recognition. So true. I wish monogamy was a safety net–I wish there was safety anywhere.
I prefer openness, with honest communication, doing the work of love, showing up, the pleasure and joy of being real–those are as close to safe as we get. So I’ll take it.
There was a time a few months ago when I longed for some childish pleasures–lying on the floor in the living room, holding a tattered blanket, watching cartoons, half spaced-out. Fingers in my mouth. A childhood joy I don’t remember experiencing–something I saw my brother do. Not sure I ever really relaxed, but he seemed to.
I hear people speak fondly of childhood. They long for a past with “not a care in the world.” They’re forgetting a lot, or else their ACE score is not like mine. I was dodging multi-violence, then lonely with neglect.
My modern longing was a desire for rest. It was a powerful image–myself on the floor, a boy, with a soft soft blanket.
Later I felt like I was nursing too many babies. It wasn’t possible for me eat enough calories to nourish the needy people latching onto me. So that was an image that felt powerful to me. Crying mama Nest, making not enough milk.
Now I feel more like a bewildered lady on a foggy, windy night in a forest. I’m wearing a dress that flies around in the wind, and my hair does the same. Am I lost? Confusion feels like being lost in fog.
I want this forest image to represent a creative state of possibility. But confusion can feel more like a waste of time.
I’m not really wasting time–I’m thinking and realizing, feeling, writing, making amazing art I didn’t know could come from me, learning, loving my spouse and friends, eating delicious foods, listening to music, growing a garden, dreaming.
ruse to rest in
Listening to this song this morning, El Tiempo Pasa. https://rebeldiaz.bandcamp.com/track/el-tiempo-pasa I was thinking of the “you’re not sorry–you’re sorry you got caught” idea. Monogamy is often a ruse. We have a safe place to land and rest, but go out into the world to deceitfully find something new and seek what’s better.
I remember that idea of settling for something domestic and feeling there must be more to life. Restlessness that would drive me to okcupid and apartments for rent in other cities. I think a lot of people treat monogamy that way–not just the sad, previous me.
Monogamy is not a safety net. I guess a net can catch a falling acrobat, but a net can also catch an unsuspecting fish who is just going about its life, trying to do fish things. You’re either at the table or on the table, they say. Let’s have a meeting about everyone who’s not at the meeting.