“All those things I said we could do–we don’t need to do any of them. The time I said–we could do different times also. Those were just ideas. We don’t need to be rigid.”
I told all that to my spouse–we were lying in bed, early morning. I was comforting him, that our day could be different from the plan. His calves were crampy, so he got up to drink water, eat a banana, swallow a magnesium pill.
“Well, sometimes your dick is rigid. It needs to be rigid–there’s no helping that.” I covered him with the blanket, and he went back to sleep.
The fantasy about my friend coming to visit and have sex with him was a hit–he loved it. It made him horny, which is what I wanted. We had sex and enjoyed the ideas.
“What’s your favorite part?” I asked. He said he liked the part in the morning, when the bed was squeaking. I told him my favorite moments, like my friend’s toes curling and uncurling with the pretty blue nail polish.
Then yesterday we had sex again. I told him he’s the only person I want to have sex with, lately. Some people cross my mind, but they’re not people I would actually do it with. Those ideas are just something my mind is playing with.
He said for him, fantasy and real life are more mixed together. I wasn’t sure I understood how. Communication is a challenge, and he has struggles with real life in general–his relationship to reality has always been strange. Connections are looser, for him; cause and effect are almost random, more of a guess.
It’s ok–I’m not going to require him to be anything other than what he is. I couldn’t require something else even if I wanted to; his mind is amazing and not mine.
Reminds me of a dream–a dream life. A goat could float by, a flower could grow out of a mailbox, meaning unhooked from meaning. In a way it could be fun, but it’s more work, living in a dream where anything can happen.
Me, I really believe in reality, that cause and effect exists. I’m honored to know this brilliant person who I have a ton in common with but who thinks much differently from how I do.
Probably this sounds super basic to you. Yes, Nest. The sky is blue. But in my family of origin, we were very managed. My mom’s anxiety manifested in many ways–one way is she tried to control us, down to our very thoughts. I didn’t have enough freedom.
Being an adult means I can let go of all that messed up belief, like that people should make sense, shared reality is extremely important, people should be who I want them to be. I love freedom, and it feels good to learn how to do freedom, and not try to control others.
I’m happy whatever gets him off and makes him hard. Glad my spouse’s parts work for now, and he still wants to have sex with me, after all these years.
I would have sex with him in a jungle, in a mountain forest, in the desert, in a riparian area, or tropical. Happy to be an animal with him every day.