I watch my feelings change as the months pass. I’m glad to stay in motion. Angry this morning–yeah, I’ve been angry. So here’s a fuck you list.
- Fuck you for letting me bring you into my life, connecting with my friends and spouse and community. For letting me welcome you, so kindly, then not being responsible and showing up in the ways you promised. Fuck you for enjoying the good I gave without doing even a small portion similar. You introduced me to no one, brought me into none of your groups, and increased my resilient interconnection with no one. It’s a huge disparity.
- I gave you the benefit of the doubt, listened, and tried not to need. I worked hard on being good to you on your terms. Fuck you for enjoying the ease I provided for you, at my detriment, and not giving me the few things I asked for. At the end, you said you didn’t even know I needed that. Dang–so much wasted breath. Your needs were primary, to me–my needs were half-unknown irrelevance to you.
- Fuck you for never prioritizing coming here and showing up how you agreed to. You liked to say yes, and after a while I realized your promises meant nothing. I tried not to believe you, but part of me kept believing you. I was like a kid believing a lying parent. It’s really hard to give up on what I deeply need.
- Fuck you for portraying yourself as a love-person who cares and connects with open-hearted goodness. You’d rather help strangers, perform dramatic rescues, and spread your acts of kindness around randomly than actually be there for the devoted people who love you every day. Yes, it’s easier to rush in and save the day than to do the longterm work of love that gives real safety. I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
- Fuck you for being emotionally irresponsible to the point of abuse.
- Fuck you for lightheartedness at my expense. I liked your lightheartedness most of the time, but not when you treated me like that. It still hurts me, what you taught me about my worth. I really didn’t need another white guy teaching me that I don’t matter.
- Fuck you for ignoring my last email.
- Fuck you for choosing to avoid difficult conversations, like a dude. I didn’t want to believe you were a regular man.
- Fuck you for enjoying my mistaken beliefs about you.
- Fuck you for the promise you made to read and reply to my mail that afternoon, and it’s been three weeks. I thought I’d reduced my expectations down so low that you couldn’t hurt me anymore. But as every day passes and I see that you never did what you said, I realize the only appropriate expectations to have from you are Zero.
It felt really good to love you. You gave some things, but you took it all away by breaking my heart again and again. You didn’t seem too worried about that. I never once heard you ask, “Nest, are you getting hurt, here? Do you need something different?” Not sure you even thought about that, let alone would you discuss it.
My love for you was sweet and unique. I’m angry that you destroy it with bad behavior.
I remember that time you said that opening my mail was like Christmas. I thought I knew you well and had a good sense of what ephemera you might like. We had some interests in common that I didn’t really share with anyone else. Felt great to give what I needed to give, but you were never an appropriate recipient.
My dreams about you said to wait, and I wanted to believe that waiting was a worthwhile thing to do. But I wish the library in the sky, my smartest self, or my spirit guides had told me–give up, walk away. It will never be time for him to love you.
He’s not going to be real with you–you can be a good example till doomsday, of being there for someone and doing interdependence. He will never learn from you! He’ll consult other white guys and get different types of therapy like a therapy tourist. To actually love the vulnerable, valuable lady who adores him–that would be work. Why would he waste his time like that?
Fuck you for enjoying everything I gave while not giving to me. I thought you were doing it for real. I hate that you were just messin’.