Hey, been thinking about how you gave so much to me. It was amazing. Explaining to a friend, I was emotional, crying about loving you, missing you, and the things you didn’t talk to me about–questions unanswered, topics avoided. She summed up what she heard, “I’m sorry he was emotionally unavailable.”
I was like–what?! I objected. You did emotional things no one else did: prayer all the time, the ritual about my mom, your style of being there for me every day. Asking about my health, helping me try new things, with so much world-class kindness. So few people have given all that to me, and you were so valuable to me–I tried not to get hurt by the parts that were missing.
The way you avoided certain topics–it was like a pit of confusion. Don’t fall in that pit. Almost stepped too close. What’s in there? Who knows. But it must be dangerous.
I felt gaslit, the emotional things we stepped around. I was supposed to pretend we didn’t have topics you’d never talk about. I was confused about following your lead. Do I push, to get what I need? Do I back off, not to stress you? Or do I even matter, enough to ask?
I tried to figure it out by myself. But speaking your part and mine made me feel crazy. I’d be like–I guess he won’t talk about those things because I don’t really matter. But then you’d act like I did matter.
Jerked around is one of the feelings I tolerate the least. I tried to be ok, talking about it with my spouse, adjusting my expectations, changing how we had contact. It was a good effort, to get hurt less, so I could stay close to you.
In my family of origin, there was daily drug-related violence. Not being allowed to talk about it for the first half of my life was a huge part of the family pain. Being silenced (by myself or others) is one of my worst oppressions.
Probably that’s part of why freedom is my #1 core value. I need language–not being able to talk about something feels like being trapped. I panic.
I wish when I offered to work on communication with you, you would have said, “Yes, I need to work on that. I see you love me, have skills, and are a safe person with a good heart. Yes, I will practice, being honest with you.”
This morning I was thinking about pain around visiting. It was never a good time, for you. Someone was leaving your co-housing, and you needed to interview potential residents. Or things were intense with your abusive ex, or you just avoided the question.
Sometimes I felt strung along. You promised to get back to me about it, then didn’t. I felt confused, if I should bother you or just tell myself that you didn’t want to.
It meant a lot to me. If you drove me and my spouse to my homeland, my spouse could visit his kids and mom. I could see relatives and my bestie. Yes, I would have loved if you could meet them too. I haven’t been back since my mom died.
I still don’t understand, but it felt more than logistical. So it formed one of those pits, not to step in. It hurts, that I’m still confused.
I’ll find another way to get to my homeland. It seemed so fun to go with you, and I trusted you more than just about anyone. Maybe you don’t like to be trusted.
Thank you for hearing my thoughts. I hope you pray for me sometimes. You are dear to me.
The art I sent you–my spouse said I should have specified, I don’t need response. I hope you know that. And I hope it’s ok, the things I still wanted to share.
I hope you’re getting what you need, happy, thriving, learning, and enjoying life. I wish you safety and goodness in your home and family. Happy father’s day.
I wonder if you remember, you said you would go with me, to do a ritual on the street where my dad was born. After pandemic, when the borders open. I found it on googlemaps, using his birth certificate for the address. I smile, to remember that.
There’s a part of me you held that no one else knows how to hold. I hope one day we can be mutually supportive friends again. Please make good choices to stay well. I love you.
I wished to be something different with you–I could be many roles, but I wanted most to be something new, with you. A new thing that never existed before.
I think you believed that I wanted to be your girlfriend. Yeah, partly. But you had such a bad scene with your ex. The last thing I wanted was to take over that role. So maybe it’s good, we never got together. If it always went that way, but you never told me. If violence was inevitable, and close relationships with women are just doomed, for you.
You didn’t reply at all, to the email I sent you three days ago. I was surprised because you’d been answering them really quickly.
Half of me is scared and very sad to have lost you more than I already had. You feel so far away now. I’ve been crying and grieving in a new way. My friends are patient with me. Emotional, I try to explain how the family love got mixed in, but I’m not sure they understand.
I felt like we were holding hands under the water, but you broke free and swam away. Now I lost you for reals. I panic again. The little safety I had with you is entirely gone.
The other half of me is glad you have better things to do than care for me. Who am I, anyway? Desert lady, heartbrokenly emotional, no longer relevant. But I can’t stop wishing I mattered to you.
Blessings to your sacred journey. Happy solstice.