There was someone on the fetlife fans fb group asking an advice question. He met someone in a regular life context, and wants to try being with her–he’s dommy and asked how to introduce kink. I read some responses that grossed me out. But I’ve been thinking a lot about how to do relationship: communication, relationship styles, and how we talk about sex.
how we meet
Something also about how it feels, how we meet someone. A lot of people ask how I met my spouse, which is like an ice breaker conversation entry. But people judge too.
Meeting methods I’ve experienced and heard about: at work in the fields, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, at school, at work in an office, at a nightclub, at a folk dancing class, set up by a mutual friend, teacher / student, support group meeting, bus stop, at an event.
I’ve known couples who had a lie they told, about how they met. They were embarrassed that they met on a dating site, so they constructed a fake story, something easier and less revealing. A shared lie toward the beginning seems funny to me, like it doesn’t bode well, for the relationship overall. But what binds people together? I guess deceit can be part of it!
how to introduce kink
The most disturbing advice I read, on that fetlife group, was that the dommy guy should just try pulling the lady’s hair during sex and see how she responds.
I read that and felt alarmed, this poor lady is going to have a sensation she was not expecting, at a vulnerable time, and that’s not nice to do to someone. Intentionally causing pain, or enacting a power imbalance all of a sudden, without consent, is wrong.
Kink definitely needs to be introduced with language. “If we were having sex and I pulled your hair, would that be ok?” is an easy question. Isn’t it? I think the “try first, apologize afterward” mentality is fucked up.
I’m putting myself in the position of the lady–she could be used to that during sex, depending on her past, and love it. But if she was treated that way in a disrespectful or violent context, she could have a ptsd reaction to something like that and lose her shit in your bed. That wouldn’t be good for anyone. Especially when it’s someone you barely know.
It makes sense I had a big reaction to that suggestion because my rapist pulled my hair non-consensually, and having my hair pulled during sex is probably the only thing I never healed, of that trauma. It’s still a no-no.
one dommy guy to another
The dommy guy seemed most interested in advice from other dommy guys, rather than listening to the perspectives of subs. That’s why I didn’t speak up–he didn’t actually want to hear from me.
Makes sense. He’s looking for what will work–how he can sexually manipulate this woman skillfully, from his perspective. Not, “how can I be kind to this person I barely know?” Not how to show up for a fellow human being–he was looking for how to be successful in a sexual exploit.
That’s a common way to treat people, and why I stay at the edges of most social situations. The projects people have with other people are mostly fucked up from the beginning. If you set out with the mentality of “how do I get what I want from other people?” you’ve already failed.
My project is always going to be, “how can we mutually support one another to do our life’s work, in a fun, creative way?” If sex is part of that, great.
Love is always my project. That can be lonely because love isn’t the project of many, many people. But I’m always learning about what motives me and others, trying to understand human behavior in a diy way. How to be mutually supportive in a sustainable, pleasurable way that works best for me and everyone involved–how to do relationship.