A good friend sent me a link to some arty sexy film stuff, made by a woman who does cam work. Finally I clicked the link.
I like how the filmmaker talks about digital identity and women’s empowerment related to persona, layers of who we are and what we present, for money.
Sex work is important to me. So common, vilified, simplified! I want the truth. Someone speaking truth about her actual life with sex work is valuable to me.
orgy
I clicked on a random video of the many short films on the website and found one depicting an orgy scene. The lighting is dim, and the aesthetic attempts edgy. I saw several naked people kissing and being sexy together, and it seemed to all be at about a 3 out of 10, intensity-wise.
It seemed unlikely, that all orgy participants would be at a similar intensity level. In real life, some people would be having orgasms, while others would be less involved. I noted a beautiful tattoo of a snake eating its own tail, on someone’s back. I liked two men kissing.
But I saw all people of similar thin, hot body type, not disabled, and not varied in age. Nothing was surprising, about the porn of it–I was being fed what culture has been telling me all my life, about who is desirable and who matters. Body types like mine are excluded.
So it seemed not that special to me or appealing. With the aesthetic, I thought the orgy scene was trying to appear different and challenging. But it was actually normal porn, turned just a tiny bit toward a dark side.
intensity
Then something changed. As I watched, I noticed the intensity portrayed went from a 3 or 4 to more of a 7. I felt a response in my body, to some of what I saw. The motions of what people were doing to one another aroused me, and some facial expressions and sounds. I felt uncomfortable.
Guess I didn’t show up to be aroused. I was looking for thoughts and learning, new perspective. Instead, my cunt was aching, and I didn’t like being sucked in like that.
I have no problem with porn, but I stopped the video and closed the tab. It was too much for me.
spouse
Later I was lying in bed resting and writing, and I started thinking about the orgy film moments. I felt aroused, remembering, and wanted to masturbate. Felt weird that I was horny, remembering the video that had bothered me.
When my spouse came home, I told the whole story to him, including the body types of the porn actors, the lighting, the intensity shift.
“How does that sound to you? Could I show that you, sometime? For science?” I asked my spouse.
“Sure!” he said.
spouse
He doesn’t like porn much–he finds it distracting from the real life what of we do. “It’s unrealistic,” he says.
He doesn’t need help getting aroused, or novelty in that form. Mostly he wants his dick sucked–he doesn’t need to see other people sucking dick or getting their dicks sucked.
The few times we’ve looked at porn together, it’s been fun but derailing. We’ll enjoy it and have some sex, but mostly not come. We enjoy focusing on one another.
When we’re having sex, sometimes I’ll ask him what he’s thinking about. He’s usually thinking about what we’re doing. It’s different from me–I’m usually thinking about what we’re doing, plus having a fantasy or two at the same time.
emotions
The most arousing thing in the world to me is emotions. I like eye contact and words in sex. The orgy scene was without dialog.
Even questions like, “Do you want that?” and “Do you like that?” do a lot to get me off. A very common mini sexual fantasy I have is being held down by someone I love, who enthusiastically penetrates me as asks me, “Do you want more of that dick?” I reply by begging for more.
The love is what enlivens it, or the transgression fantasy, which is usually some kind of love at the expense of another love. Physical reality is good, but I like multiple things happening at once. So I love the physiological activities and responses, while emotional and spiritual shifts are happening also. And power play, definitely.
scifi
The orgy had a contextualizing sentence, but zero background on the people. It might be better with an idea of a storyline to it:
- This is a bunch of classmates who just got word that Earth is about to explode, so they’re fucking the life out of one another, before the world ends.
- Friends who have all loved one another for a long time and are finally free to come all over each other.
- People who compete brutally, but have all become extremely horny at the same time after accidentally ingesting an experimental substance. So they’re getting off on people they hated.
Hmm, maybe I should write scifi erotica.
uncomfortable
I hope you get the love, sex, and arousal you need. Orgy scenes that work for you. Sexual and emotional nuance that feels worth it.
Later I did show the porn to my spouse, and we liked talking about it. I understand now those are clips from a larger film, so the orgy scene probably did have more of a charge to it, with background on characters.
