There was a cop car, then another, and two regular cars parked between them. We were at the park after a walk, uncomfortable. I didn’t want to dance, with cops right there.
My spouse mentioned the two regular cars were unmarked cars. I was like–oh, I had no idea. As we passed them, driving away, I looked. Yeah, they were newish SUVs, matching, and nondescript.
“What if we saw someone we knew, in one of those cars?” my spouse asked, serious, as he drove.
“Oh, you mean like an informant?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Cry,” I said. “What would you do?”
“Cry,” he said.
“You mean like ______?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
We’ve imagined many times, if ______ was an informant. The work we do, an informant from time to time is just inevitable. Just a matter of who.
part of life
“Informant bullshit is just part of life,” I told my love. “I wouldn’t kill them.”
We were driving home from the park. “Oh crap, I just said I wouldn’t kill them. Does that mean I want to kill them? Yuck, I guess that’s my first thought.”
I was squirmy with embarrassment. I’m into nonviolence. Maybe that’s why I need nonviolence.
I’d never kill anyone, haven’t even hit anyone in a really long time, and never to harm. I couldn’t even kick the dog that was attacking me. I’m a very peaceful lady.
But an informant is the lowest of the low. Despicable, to betray the people who love you.
However, I was the only little girl I knew reading James Bond novels. I was a voracious reader, but that was above and beyond. I was fascinated by spies, especially double agents. Secrets, loyalty, and all the betrayal.
Whistleblowers like Reality Winner intrigue me. Why did she decide to whistleblow? A whistleblower is a diy spy.
What did that mean for Winner, emotionally? Does she no longer believe in the government at all, that’s imprisoning her? Or Chelsea Manning, or countless others.
They believed enough to join and work for the government. Then they saw something so disturbing, they couldn’t accept it. They risked their freedom and lives, to tell a world that would possibly not care.
Feels sad. If the media cared, then at least the whistleblowers would know they had done something meaningful, to help the world. I’m sorry for the people stuck in jail for semi-nothing!
“Yeah, I saw someone on facebook, posting about how the huge companies get our info and use it against us. And I was like–what did you think they would do?”
“You mean it exists only to get info for the cops?” my spouse asked.
“No, this meme was about adverts. Like they know whose phone your phone is often near. So this guy started getting adverts for the toothpaste his mom uses. I was like–change your life. I’m not going to accidentally succumb to toothpaste adverts. I don’t even see adverts. The type of toothpaste I use has tea tree oil, and I never saw an advert for it–I don’t think there are any.”
It’s a lot of work, to make a life without advertising; I still see billboards. But it’s worth it, for a lot of reasons.
I’ve been betrayed. I was cheated on by my first boyfriend, when I was a kid. My caregivers failed, big time, to protect me from others and themselves. I’ve loved men who were became abusers, and I was raped long ago. My mom violated my privacy, she later admitted, going through my stuff in my bedroom, when I was a kid.
Because informants are part of life, I’ve been betrayed by them also. But I don’t know who, for sure. The close friends who came and left six months or a year later, never to be heard from again, I have my suspicions about. They sewed seeds of drama, then disappeared.
My main thought is–why are you so surprised? What did you think a government would do?
I grin, hug my friends when I can, love them as I can. All the while, I’m realizing that a few are probably not really my friends. But that’s the gamble.