This is what I wish the Joker of Hearts would say.
I miss you so much and think about you every day. Txting you was one of my favorite parts of the day. I miss showing you pictures too, because a good plant pic or graffiti pic, I knew you would lose your mind. It was fun to share that with you.
No one appreciates me quite how you do. The way you see me is special. I thrived on that. I’m sorry I never told you that.
I like my life, but you were such a good friend to me. My life is lacking a dimension, without you. I wish we could be friends, but I respect your needs.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you how you needed. When I remember letting you down, I feel sad that I didn’t change my behavior to be more kind. I never phrased it as hurting you, but I recognize now that I was hurting you. That was not nice, and if I ever get to be your good friend again, my behavior will be different.
I’ve thought a lot about the way I didn’t give you clarity or communicate better with you. My whole life I’ve had a hard time making myself sit down and spell things out, for anyone, even myself. It’s much more my style to dwell in chaos, joke, and enjoy the undefined-ness. That usually works ok for me. But I see how being deeply connected with you, you needed something different.
Being told what to do helps me. I know that’s not your style–you want to treat everyone with a lot of consideration, because you see that as respect. But when I promised you something, it would have helped if you’d bugged me about following through. Something about how my mind works means I forget things–I’m swept up in the moment.
Every time I flaked on you, you interpreted that as me not caring. But not being able to see the rest of my life from so far away, you didn’t understand I do that to everyone. That was not something I was doing just to you.
People interpret that as me not caring. But I’ve always cared for you. I wish you could have re-interpreted my failures as having nothing to do with how I feel about you. But I see how that’s too much to ask, especially when I wasn’t telling you I love you, how you’d say it to me. You were already doing a way unbalanced load of the emotional labor, and I’m sorry for that.
I wish I’d spoken up more, and I wish I’d said, “I love you,” back to you, every time you said it to me, because I do love you. Now I understand you were doing something Advanced with me, and the least I could have done would have been to give you safety through language.
I’m sorry when you asked me for that, I didn’t hear the importance. You were being completely vulnerable to me. I understand better now that you needed some basics, in order to feel ok extending yourself like that.
I wish I’d done a few things differently. In five years when you feel ready to try being friends again, I hope I’ll have learned to communicate better and developed more responsibility. Maybe then we can be close friends in a way that works better for you.
Our weekly phone calls really helped me. I can talk to other people, but no one has the unique brilliance of you. No one else loves me so good, so creatively, and in such an alive way.
Your wordplay was the best, and I miss our shared language. It was fun to watch you learn and change. I admire how dynamic you are, and I wish I could be more like you, with so much honesty and integrity. You were a good example, to befriend for a year.
I’m sorry I called you my family and didn’t mean what you wanted me to. I’m sorry for some basic misunderstandings I didn’t clarify. Truth feels different to me–it feels wiggly. But you’re worth the effort.
You matter to me. I’m sorry I didn’t help you feel safe in that.
I hope in five years, we can be friends again much more happily. See you then.
I love you in a way that’s special for you, and I always want to be your friend.
the Joker of Hearts