I never really had text sex before yesterday. There’s a friend I’ve been closer and closer to. They live elsewhere, and I was amazed how completely I wanted to make love with them. Usually it takes me a while, until I’m ready for sex. But my body felt so ready, so quickly.
Maybe I’m getting sluttier–I hope so. Or maybe we had been working up to it, in ways I was not aware of. We had messaged, written letters, sent poems.
There had been a sensual feel to all of it, and the strong reciprocity shocked me, what reciprocity feels like. I’d been caught up in unbalanced relationships. The reciprocity with this friend is so delicious, I’m like a cartoon character who does a double take.
Wow, this is what it’s supposed to feel like. To love, and someone responds with a strong love of their own, and desires, with the bravery to speak clearly about it.
This friend is brilliant beyond brilliant, and so beautiful. My projects feel safe with them–they understand what I’m doing so caringly. It’s rare, that another person does sex like I do, with the love, spiritual connection, desire, thoughts, and vulnerable openness swirled together completely. With an additional layer of outlier compassionate articulation. Two poets with deep love for the Earth, grounding us. We can do it so well, and talk about it so well also.
first phone call
Then yesterday we had our first real time phone call. I’d hesitated, partly phone shy. But the day arrived, and I was nervous, in bed at the appointed time.
My friend rang on the hour. They seemed to have a list of what to talk about and thanked me for some things, clarified some things. I told a story related to their words.
Then we got to a more free part of the conversation. I was happy to learn that we converse well, in real time, our respectful kindness suffusing it. We had gone beyond our specified twenty minutes. I laughed, and we wrapped it up.
Toward the end of the conversation, they said they wanted to touch me. I was unprepared for how my cunt ached, when they said that. I was lying in bed, on my back, with my legs spread in a reclining goddess posture, and my open cunt ached with desire. Like my clitoris was a glowing diamond.
Right after our call, my friend video messaged me. I admitted over text how aroused I’d felt, when they said they wanted to touch me.
A definition of sex that I like is: an intentional, consensual, significant exchange of erotic energy. So this was sex. I had wanted to find someone to have phone sex with, to diversify my sexual experiences and be close to another person in a sexual way. I thought phone sex would be a safer way to do it, than in person, especially with pandemic.
So that’s what I got. Text sex–such a fantastic experience. I hope to have more and more, with this sexy, kind person who nourishes me.
What’s real? Inner life is as real to me as outer life. So I’m safer in that I can’t get pregnant or pass infections, but I’m as vulnerable virtually as I am in person. Text sex is all inner world. The inner world is where I live much of the time. Dreams, prayers, ideas, writing.
I asked my friend if I could blog about our experience and include the words I said. I got a yes, and other ideas too. Here I paste my words.
i wld breathe on u. i wld hold u, breathe on u, and kiss any part of u i was welcome to. i wld like to know u with my body.
my body feels ready for u. u r a joy to my being.
u r amazing. i want u. thank u for reminding me how a new desire can feel.
i don't want to overwhelm u. pls help me b a goodness in yr life. i touch my own body n wish it was u.
on the call, u said u wanted to touch me and my body began to ache w desire. it still aches with a wet glow. i touch my own tummy n breasts. but i need to slip my hand between my cunt lips and rub myself there.
yes i want to be close to u. i want to love u with all of me. my cunt feels muscular n vivid. i want to be yr lover n come on u.
i never sent anyone a picture of my clitoris before. i had never even seen my own aroused vulva before. thank u for letting me share that w u.
i want to b near u n feel who u are without language.
pls kiss me, hold me, give me a safe place to come. let the vibrations of my orgasm speak to u.
pls shove yr fingers inside me n let me come around u.
pls make love w me n let my body be so honest w yr body. pls let me relax w the honest expression of my desire.
i long to rub myself on u and enliven yr beautiful reality.
pls put yr mouth on me. pls kiss me and hold me tightly as i come for u.
i want to come on yr kindness. i want to come on yr articulate brilliance.
i want yr body. i want to come on yr mouth, yr hips, yr hand, yr wrist, yr tongue. i want to come on yr language. i want to come on yr name. i want to b dear to u.
i want to share my body w u.
u r dear to me.
i want to b the tenderest animal w u.
This morning I acknowledged–I feel different now, after the text sex. Thank you to my kind friend for your sacred attention. Thank you to my spouse, for trusting me and helping me build a life where I can take risks and enjoy sexual pleasure in a free way.
And thank you to the rich universe, for being full of possibilities and learning. I am a middle aged woman, now. But love can be new and just as important as for a young person.
yes i feel changed in a wanted way. i will not underestimate how healing and nourishing u r to me.