Long ago in okcupid, there was a dating persona test. I was into okcupid for a time–met some amazing people–so I took this test and got DGLM.
The dating persona test is like the Myers-Briggs in that there are four areas, were you are either one or the other. So that combination of these four binaries is an acronym profile. DGLM was a comfortable identity for me.
The D is for Deliberate. So that was in contrast to Random.
I am a very intentional person. Ideally, I align just about everything I do with my values. I’m responsible, attentive, and need to follow through on what I say I’ll do. I love that about myself! I’m loyal and care a ton.
When I was learning about this dating persona test, I tried to figure out what Random meant. Why would anyone be random, I wondered. Isn’t that just harm?
I think it’s like Chaotic in D&D alignments. Well, I can be iconoclastic and follow my heart, but within the inter-dependence of relationship. So I will do what I want, mostly without regard to society’s expectations. But when I love someone, I’m going to consider them in everything. My own needs are sacrosanct, but so are the needs of my dear ones.
And I can hold a lot in my mind at the same time. Like a mega hand that can hold all 52 cards at once–my memory is too good, and my mind must have a hundred fingers.
Then G is for Gentle. Yes, I am powerful, but I am usually very gentle with that power. Gentle is in contrast with Brutal. Brutal would be uncaring, while Gentle is considerate.
I got Brutal once, when I said I would break up with someone by stopping speaking with them. When something really horrible is going on, that can be necessary–when I’ve been needing to get away from someone who’s abusive, and I can’t get away, I could cut them off.
So that’s why I said I would do that, but the test did not accept my nuance. Must be–the test designers were living in a happier world than I was, where they had not needed to cut someone off like that. A world where they were not exploited and abused.
L if for Love, and the other choices for that one is Sex. At the time, I was way more love-focused than sex-focused. Probably I would score the same today, though I have more balance.
Audre Lorde said, “Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.” I am happy to feel all day, and use what I learn to enrich my life–take it in, understand it, go back out into the world with more knowledge, observe more, understand better… I understand more and more, with the insight instigated by feeling.
M is for Master, as opposed to Novice, I think. I knew and know a lot about Love. Maybe sometimes I can seem naive, but I get out of bad situations way more readily now!
I feel grateful that something as ostensibly silly as a dating website personality test helped me comprehend in new ways how we do socialness–responsibility, honesty, values, styles of connection, how we treat others and want to be treated.
Thank you to the okcupid designers for giving me this flawed, interesting tool, declaring me DGLM.