“So do you have a thing for E?” I asked my spouse, the apple of my eye.
“Do I have a thing for E?” he asked, looking up at me.
“Yeah, like do you have a crush on her?”
“Yeah?” he said.
“Aw!” I said. “Like you wanna do it with her? Like you masturbate when you think about her?”
“No,” he said.
“You don’t masturbate about her now?”
“I didn’t masturbate about her ever,” he said.
“She doesn’t like dick,” I said. “I think you have no chance with her.”
“Well, that doesn’t really matter,” he said.
My spouse and I have been together for nine years, but a lot of his emotional inner workings are totally unknown to me. I know how he and I relate, but how he feels about other people can be confusing and make zero sense, to me.
before
We had talked about E before, years ago, a very short version of the same conversation. That previous time was terrifying for me, like I had trouble breathing, and I was upset for half a day. It had been bothering me, and I had to get up the guts to ask him about it.
This modern conversation yesterday was not scary at all. Am I a different person now? I want to feel pride, that I am so much more secure and level headed. But I’m not sure I deserve credit. Maybe it just happened. I feel like I just grew up.
opp
We talked about possibilities, like whether it made sense for my spouse to pursue E in any way. I said she’s too young–he’s old enough to be her dad. The age difference doesn’t sit well with me. He said regardless, it wasn’t a good idea.
“Like you’re going to get too attached to her, even if you don’t have sex with her?” I asked.
“Yeah, kind of,” he said.
He brought up the issue of other people’s problems. How you know someone a certain amount, then get closer and learn a whole new layer of their problems. Then get closer and learn a whole layer of even more problems. Wow, it can be horrible.
“Yeah, but having a good friend can be really good for your life!” I said.
“My life is already full,” he said.
“Yeah, that’s true,” I said. I imagined how things could be, closer to E. My spouse seems more interested in having control over his life than enriching it with potential chaos.
never happy example
There was a lady who was very appealing for a minute, who wanted some specific sexual experiences that my spouse is gifted at providing. Part of me thought that could be a really good idea.
She said, “I love you,” to me, and I thought we were friends. I thought she was really smart and pretty. I liked her values. She visited us–we talked–it seemed very possible, to bring her deeply into our life.
But something felt awry. When she smiled, there was no happiness. I had never seen her seem genuinely happy, knowing her for years. She seemed in a state of perpetual anger, disappointment, and sadness. Her smile scared me, the coldness of it. It seemed totally fake.
Then I learned all this horrible stuff about her, that she had done to my other friend. I was like–oh my god. I am so glad we didn’t get any closer to her. She has a way of misperceiving everything that makes her the victim.
I had believed everything she’d said. Now I doubted things she had told me about her life, her family–I doubted everything.
Wow, that was a close one. It’s happened many times, though, in different ways. Getting closer to someone until we see the deal breaker. Maybe it’s a matter of how much you love them, before you get to the deal breaker?
my ex
We started talking about my most recent ex. My spouse admitted that he still likes that ex. Part of him wishes to stop by his place and say hi. On the surface, this ex is amazing. He dazzled us, for sure. But as we got closer, we saw his issues. And then getting super-close, we learned he was downright evil.
So it’s sad, my spouse knows my ex is evil, yet still wants to be his friend, in a way. It doesn’t make sense, but I know that feeling. I have wanted to engage the charming facade. Or go back in time, and love the person I thought he was, when I met him. That person doesn’t exist.
“I’m still facebook friends with P,” my spouse said.
“Yeah, I know,” I said. “You’re still officially friends. But you’re not really going to be vulnerable to him, or make a future with him, or actually trust him, right?”
“Right,” my spouse said.
“Can I trust you about that?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said.
aftercare
“I need some aftercare,” I told my spouse. The conversation felt important, too intense.
“What do you want for aftercare?” he asked.
“I want you to hug me and tell me I’m special to you,” I said.
“You’re special to me,” he said. We were naked in bed, and he grabbed my breasts.
“I want to be special to you and safe,” I added.
“You’re safe,” he said, holding me close to him.
“Do you like being my spouse?” I asked.
“Yes, I love being your spouse,” he said.
“Does your dick like me today?” I asked, rubbing it.
“My dick loves you, every day,” he said.
apple
We were kissing a lot. Kissing felt thrilling. I could taste the apple in his mouth. While he was gone, I had cut an apple, and ate almost the whole thing, leaving two large apple slices on the plate for him.
The apple taste in his mouth was delicious and sweet. We had sex for the second time that day, and that second orgasm felt healing. It was shorter but more pleasurable than the orgasm in the morning.
He is my home, and I love him more than anything. I need to keep in mind that he’s the one doing family and inter-dependence with me every day. Sometimes it’s work! I want to prioritize him, not get swept up in charming people elsewhere who enjoy the benefit of his work.
