When I met my spouse, I thought he was a man. He was skinny, had no breasts, long hair, so much kindness. Glowing with kindness.
Then we got together, and I was fully in love with him. But I was confused because he was so different from men I’ve known!
behavior
All the other men I’ve been close to, I had to put up with a ton of bad behavior. But this anarchist boyfriend–he cared how I felt, could talk about feelings, really listened, moved through the world humble but with a deep security, was comfortable with people. Didn’t try to get me to do a lot for him. Was upfront about everything–no manipulation.
I really enjoyed his company, and he really enjoyed mine. I loved how he was a gardener. The plantlife was a major turn on, and his sensual way of seeing the world. He didn’t flirt a lot, super respectful, but his sexuality shone from him, so appealing. When he hugged me, I knew that being his Sex Darling was exactly what I wanted.
He was careful about boundaries, but definitely wanted sex and pleasure and to make me come a lot. So for the first two years of our relationship, we were in bliss. We were falling into the blissful sublime, so in love. We had sex every day, often twice a day, sometimes three times a day. I was sexually nourished in a way I had never experienced in my entire life.
gender reveal
Then I learned he was not a man. I saw one of his old profiles online where he had identified as nonbinary, and I was like–what?
Then he explained he did not feel like a man. And I was like–oh! That’s why you’re such a weird man–you’re not a man at all. His need to identify as nonbinary fluctuates.
Then he had a med change and started gaining weight. We would go for walk, and people seeing us would read him as a woman all the time. People would refer to us as ladies, and we would grin.
normal men
What’s a normal man? I’ve had several boyfriends and have been divorced twice. I’m not saying every straight, cis man is fucked in the head, but I have never been close to a straight, cis man who wasn’t fucked in the head, somehow, in a bad way, related to gender.
Here’s my list of traits of a normal man. Please see what you think. I don’t say “normal” in any sort of desirable way! Normal in the sense of yuck, McDonalds, boring, cheap, average, dull, bad.
- sense of self-worth tied up in work, needing to be successful financially to have self-respect
- pretending to be tough and strong while being totally dependent emotionally on me, pretending he’s a “big strong man,” but I am ten times stronger than him–feels gaslighty
- using sex to prove something to me and himself about his powerful virility, as if I would respect him more for whatever sexual trait he finds valuable, without regard to what sexual trait I find valuable
- violence mixed in with his sexuality, latent or not
- misogyny
- can’t imagine being not a cis man–stuckness in his own perspective
- dick-centric sex without much creativity
- selfishness, wanting his ego stroked
- wanting to get as much as he can, while giving as little as possible–fear to commit, fear to feel, frustration with my feelings while having a ton of his own feelings, wanting to do certain parts of love but not the whole enchilada, wanting excitement and conquest without aftercare or actually being there
- believing money is a substitute for being emotionally present, then getting angry if I don’t agree
accurate
Have you noticed this about men? Did I just get together with a bunch of crappy men, when I was young? Maybe what I’m describing is just toxic masculinity, and good straight cis men are somewhere.
Sounds about as common as a good psychiatrist. I want to believe.
I’m happy to be the Sex Darling of this amazing spouse. We’re living the dream many people aren’t honest enough to. We got lucky to find one another, but then we skillfully work to create a collaboration that’s mutually nourishing.
My friends complain about lack of good men, then make excuses for the jackasses they married. Or they wanted a normal man for some kind of protection, for him to use his anger for their benefit. But then the man turns his anger against my friend, and she panics.
Live by the sword, die by the sword! Or don’t expect snakes not to bite.
I fall in love with men sometimes, and they can be amazing. But I can’t think of a man I ever had a happy relationship with.
