Here’s more about aesthetics because I figured out what I was trying to say last time!
“Do you think I’m pretty?” I asked my spouse. It was idle pre-bed chatter.
“Yes,” he said.
“Do you think I’m…hella pretty?”
“Yes,” he said.
“You seem to think I’m pretty…when I’m sucking your dick,” I said.
“Yes,” he said.
I enjoy that moment when he loves me so much, super happy with me, not quite about to come. He’s delirious. I’ll try to extend that moment for as long as possible, depending on how much pain I’m in.
“I love you more than anything,” I said.
“Love you too,” he said.
“I love you more than the Grand Canyon.”
He gave me a weird look.
“Yeah, I cried when I left the Grand Canyon.”
“I know,” he said.
“I thought the Grand Canyon was my family member.” I remembered being at the edge, not wanting to return to the car.
“Ok, time to go!” Tears streaming down my face.
He got up in the night, with aching arms. I was up writing at my desk and offered him a magnesium glycinate and said he should eat a banana, for the potassium. And drink some water. We happen to have bananas again.
“Good medicine,” I said. He approached me, popping open the banana. “Oh, are you going to feed me your banana? Oh wait–you already did.” I laughed, remembering earlier in the night, when I sucked his dick enthusiastically.
“Heh heh heh,” he said, a stylized laughter in reply to mine, expressing appreciation.
The first bite of his banana felt kind of sticky. Then I ate the last bite also.
I thought of the thing I was trying to say last time about aesthetics and never actually said. It’s that aesthetics are about money because we live in capitalism. But we can say no.
Capitalism is trying to make you insecure so you will pay money for treatments, products, and symbols that will help you feel more secure. It’s sad. A thousand dollar wedding ring, a special hair conditioner, a skin procedure at a spa, a magical serum that will make your eyes have less pronounced wrinkles.
How about if we say getting older is ok, security is an illusion, your hair looks great already. Life is full of problems–having loose skin on my neck doesn’t have to be one of them. I’m glad I have a neck. I’m glad my skin works.
I don’t need to promblematize, pathologize, or medicalize anything I don’t want to–I have choices about that. I don’t watch tv or movies, or read magazines, partly to avoid adverts. Other people’s aesthetics are not welcome into my head! It’s worth way more for me to love myself than to watch whatever show on netflix my friends are raving about. My emotional wellbeing is more important than entertainment.
However, I will be more pretty to more people if I remove the hair from my mustache and chin, and wear clothes that are appealing in certain ways. So some things I might do, for a desired result, even if I think they’re silly.
I can be an activist about my facial hair and let strangers sit with the discomfort they feel, seeing my chin with it little patches of fur. Or I can remove the hair and take on other issues. Strangers might get over it in a minute or two, or they might not.
I can only be illegible in so many ways before someone turns off. With social differences, sensory sensitivities, fatness, queerness, radical values and life choices, disabilities, and less common relationship styles, I can be a challenging person. Many people just dismiss me or pretend away much of who I am! So I experiment.
Beauty is not expensive–real beauty. But country club, huge wedding, high powered job interview, getting your hair done for prom beauty can be expensive.
I know it can have a lot to do with anxiety. Preparing for some important event or opportunity can mean physical preparation to represent inner preparation.
I remember doing that, going on a long trip. I’d make a packing list, see something I was missing, and comfort myself by borrowing, making, or buying that thing. I would identify a need and meet the need, which was an outer way to ease the inner fear. Then I would feel ready for my trip.
Thank you for your patience, as I figured out what I was trying to say about aesthetics. The most beautiful thing in the world to me is kind generosity mixed with playful creativity. But distinctive hair and graceful hands can be gorgeous too.