Dear friend, Can we go to a magical land where you’re not stressed and scattered, and have resources to have a conversation where you answer my questions? They might be difficult. You’re always at the edge of what you can do, and I feel like a jerk for making conversational demands.
They’re really requests. Maybe it would help if I sang them, or rapped them? Or made them into an art. Something to take away the starkness.
the questions
Are you a monogamous person? I want to be with my spouse for my entire life.
Are you not wanting to have a sexual relationship with me? Sometimes I feel like you want me, but I don’t know how.
Do you see me standing in the way of you finding a kind, committed partner to be close to and inter-depend with? Maybe I should take a hike.
What is my future in your life? I see some possible futures, but I don’t know what you see, and if you even want one.
Do you want to make any kind of plans with me? We have vague intentions for spring, and I’ve proposed a retreat and a visit. A roadtrip, some foods I’d like to make for you. Not sure what’s fantasy and what’s possible.
Is our relationship right now the way you want it to be? I’m willing to change things.
Is your past relationship pattern something you see yourself carrying into the future? You might want to get a new pattern.
respect
Do you respect me, my life, my values, my mind? Usually I think you do, but I don’t understand why you don’t ask me for any advice or insight.
How can I be a friend to you? I’m open to ideas.
How would you most like me to love you? I can ease myself in another direction, or at least try.
Would you like to state an intention of always being my friend? I stated that to you, but if I’m alone in that, maybe I should reevaluate.
Do you find me remarkably special? Maybe I’m just a regular person to you. You’re certainly remarkably special to me.
Do you appreciate my ideas, support, honesty, how I try to accommodate your needs and meet you halfway? I work really hard on that, but maybe I should stop, if you don’t even want that.
What will it take for you to part ways with your abusive girlfriend? I don’t want you to go to jail or to need other rock bottom scenarios. But mostly it wastes so much energy, day to day. Being an addict, and crazy like me, you can’t really afford that.
apology
I’m sorry for any unkindness I’ve done to you. I’m sorry for needing you. Thank you for being patient with me and my questions. Thank you for being as consistent for me as you can, which is a lot more than most people.
I’m sorry if it’s not fair to try to get family love from you. When my mom was dying, I started looking around the world for safety. My spouse is one person. My mom was my plan b. I feel way too vulnerable.
I saw you tagged something the other day #familyfirst and #familylast. How jealous I was; I wish I had family. But if your parents, siblings, and niblings are what’s really important to you, maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree.
Or if it’s bros before hos, I will be a ho forever. That’s what I was asking about respect. I’m never going to be a man, and my sexual desire for you feels mixed up in everything.
So I would like to know what you want. I can redirect my resources if that’s what would be best for you, me, my spouse, and everyone. I’m a curious lady. Thank you for caring about my questions.
I love you, Nest
