I read a question on a fetlife group–what do you notice first, when you meet someone. A lot of answers were “eyes” and “smile.” Some “ass” and “breasts” also. The implication was that the new person was being judged as potentially attractive.
Is everyone judging everyone, as potentially attractive? I am bi/pan/fluid–I could find anyone attractive, in any way. But I’m not looking for a partner, mate, or playperson. Honestly, I don’t even want to make friends. I’m overloaded socially. I really love people, but I can only be meaningfully caring to a certain amount of people.
But life happens. I’ll go into a situation telling myself not to make friends, but I make friends anyway. People are fascinating, amazing, filled with creativity, and so different from one another! It’s hard to step away from joy.
I thought about my answer to the question–what I notice.
1. size of body and color of clothing
I am prejudiced toward large people. People who are fat like me, I feel extra curious about.
Also I notice if someone wears bright, warm colors like red, or lots of dark colors like blacks and blues. Some people wear a uniform of jeans and a teeshirt with a picture on it. Some people wear a dress and effort-ish jewelry and seem a bit fancy.
Provocative or conservative. Clean clothes or dirty, like the person has been living on the street a while. Clothes that fit well, or clothes that seem like the person recently lost or gained weight, and didn’t buy new clothes.
2. racial / ethnic background and accent
Someone’s skin tone, hair color, facial features, accent. I like all the accents, but my favorite is probably US accents that feel unfamiliar to me. East coast accents, southern, people from Maine or the midwest.
Canadian accents are nice too, ex-Canadians that have been in the US for a decade and still have a hint of “aboot” about them. Native American accents. Various Black accents. Accents from different parts of India are cool. Arabic accents–African accents. Mysterious ones. All accents, and everyone has one!
But I like best half-familiar accents. Not from far, but not from my homeland either.
3. hairstyle
I’m partly faceblind and recognize people by their hair, including texture, length, color. I have a lot of appreciation for hair, to the point that I should get a Master’s degree in hair.
4. body language, posture, some disabilities
Closed off-ness, openness. Slouching a lot. When someone looks like they’re uncomfortable or trying to hide. Hand gestures, stims, sign language. If someone seems blind, if they talk really differently from what I’m used to, and other noticeable disabilities.
5. gender and sexuality performance
I notice what a person seems to be going for, with their gender performance. Usually I get a feel for if someone is fucking with gender. I feel more interested in people who seem trans and nonbinary and feel prejudiced toward them.
Also I might notice whether someone seems to have breasts, how their hairstyle might relate to the rest of their gender performance, and if they have any identifying jewelry, like a rainbow flag anywhere or bi bracelet. I could notice a BDSM collar, wedding ring, tattoos, piercings, or writing on a shirt.
6. mood and eye contact
I notice if someone seems nervous, friendly, sad, excited, angry, sleepy… And if they make eye contact.
7. age
I’m prejudiced toward people who seem within a range of ten years older or ten years younger than I am. But I could like anyone of any age.
8. who they’re with
Alone, with partner person or persons, with a friend, in a group. With a relative, with a client, on a date. How they’re treating who they’re with–touch, no touch, the tone. How much conversation.
9. devices and access
I notice wheelchairs, scooters, walkers, canes, service animals. Any animals, really. Phones, watches, laptops.
10. drunkness, highness, tweakiness, altered / extreme states
I think it’s self-defense hypervigilance. People under the influence usually scare me, and I like to know what’s happening.
my smiles
I’m smiling to see this list. I tried to go in order, but no way. If a wheelchair is big especially, I will notice that first. Or if someone’s hair is amazing. I will always notice a dog, as I’m afraid of dogs.
My answer is too precise and long, huh. There’s a quote I like–they’ll forget what you said, forget what you did, but never forget how you made them feel.
When I met my spouse, I noticed his pretty long hair and how he slightly danced. His alert look, beautiful features, and lady he was with. So yeah, I think this list is accurate.
