a previous, much shorter version of this was published in July 2020–I greatly expanded it, so here is is anew.
i used to think relationships were made of words, all language. then i decided words are just little poop pellets that relationship leaves behind–mostly worthless evidence.
then i thought relationships were soul level connection. like here we are interacting with our physical environments, as matter. but relationship is about what our souls are doing together in a slightly different dimension. weird.
lately i think relationships are mostly unspoken contracts we form half-accidentally, made of guesses and confusion.
today i think a relationship is just juxtaposition. here i am–there you are. what are we going to do about that, considering our bodies, urges, pasts, needs, values, beliefs, expectations, habits, resources, fears, limitations?
i make people uncomfortable by speaking things they don’t want to discuss. years later we might laugh about it.
the sunflower dropping its pollen on the table cloth. i say i love you to Mother Earth, the sky, my food, my own body, and friends who barely know me. i always feel it, but words mean different things to different people.
mostly it’s about trauma. i was very hurt by language–missing words i needed and didn’t receive. so now i pump words out like magic food.
it’s like bringing a hard boiled ostrich egg to Burning Man. it could be delicious welcome fun, a surprise out of the cooler. or it could be a stinky trash no one knows what to do with, strapped on top of an RV the whole drive home, confusing.
thank you for accepting what i leave here and taking it for what it is.