Hey, I saw this meme to help people learn to talk dirty–and to advertise someone’s business.
It made me think about language during sex; I’ve heard some people find it awkward, yeah.
Sexual fantasies are what I’m made of, and my fantasies can be a lot about language, and made of language. I fantasize about people saying things to me.
spouse
Often when I’m having sex with my spouse, I’m imagining him saying things to me. The sentences can be sweet, mean, demanding, provocative.
One question he asks me in my imagination often is, “Do you like that dick?” It feels caring, yet demanding–something charged about it. He’s inviting me to ponder the experience of his dick, whatever he’s doing to me–fucking me, shoving it down my throat. Waving it in my face, pushing it in my hand, rubbing it on my ass.
Yes, I like that dick. If I said no, that would be theatrical–if we were pretending he was violating me. A no would be accompanied with my head turned and a pained look. BDSM acting can be a powerful way to heal, re-experiencing my trauma in a safe way, reorganizing my memories, getting thrills from triggering a panic response and staying with the feelings instead of dissociating or shutting down. I’m thrilled, to inhabit the panic and pleasure at the same time.
I can ask my spouse to say certain hot sentences. But it works just as well for me to imagine him saying them. Speaking sentences is not his forte. He’s offered before–I can write a script, and he will follow it. That’s how he can “talk dirty” in a way that works.
I’m not that motivated, but as the year pass, we near nine years together as partners. Maybe we should try it.
unexpected / expected
I would like to explain to him that part of what’s hot for me is the unexpected. When he fucks me, part of the excitement is not knowing how exactly he’ll do it. The unknown and unpredictable, but trying to predict when he will come. I like shifting my awareness from me to him to me, imagining how he’s feeling as he makes that quiet moan or thrusts harder.
It’s important to me, to feel safe. Or if I feel unsafe, unsafe in a mostly-defined way. Having a BDSM experience, I know he might insult me, hurt me with too much force or pressure, hold my head down on his dick, hit me, demand that I do this or that. But we’ve discussed it beforehand, and I have complete trust that he’s not going to do something disturbing to me, in an unwanted way.
what I want to hear
In general, I like to hear kind, appreciative things. Here are some ideas.
- I love you.
- I want you.
- You’re so beautiful.
- Your tits are so pretty.
- You make me want to come.
- You body makes me want to come.
- I want to fuck the shit out of you.
- I want to worship you with my dick.
- Do you like that dick?
- Does that feel good?
- You want more of that?
- I’ve been wanting this for so long.
- You are so hot.
- I want your cunt.
- I want to be near you.
- Let me hold you.
- Suck that dick.
- Let me come.
- Make me come.
- I want to come down your throat.
- I want you to come for me.
- Your cunt is really pretty.
- I want to lick your cunt.
- I want you to come around my dick.
- You’re my sweetheart.
- You are so important to me.
- You are so good at sucking my dick.
- You’re amazing.
- You’re so good to me.
no sense
But really, sex doesn’t make sense. “Hi, I have a physical urge, that’s mixed with a bunch of emotional and spiritual urges. I want to do a physical thing with you specifically, that has all these intense ramifications, personal and public. It will profoundly change our lives in all sorts of ways, some known and some impossible to imagine. Whatdayasay?”
Many possible explanations for sexual desires, but they’re all just words. Why do I want validation so bad? How about play-violation? Why is love so mixed in it for me, and why am I thrilled by things that horrify others?
Who knows. I’m just glad to do this holy activity that heals me, with this sweet lover who is so kind to me, collaboratively.
dirty
What’s dirty is doing stuff only for money. Marketing–that’s really how to talk dirty! Hahahaha. Well, capitalism is to anarchist as, uh, analogies are to…people who hate comparisons? Something like that.
