dating

I have one good friend who’s dating.  She broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago, and she’s free.

She tells me about her dating experiences.  Sounds like a shitshow.  But she wants different things from what I want.

fat

As a fat person, I endure the pain of being mis-seen and projected upon, all day.  Medical abuse, being thought lazy and stupid and lacking self-control–being thought reprehensible.

But one of the few great things about being fat is that many people see me as unattractive.  So I don’t have to waste a lot of energy fending off unwanted attention.  That would tire me out really fast!

Anyone who’s with me is with me for who I really am.  I can’t be a trophy wife or status symbol.  Being with me won’t open any doors socially, or boost their egos with how I look like a model.

My spouse loves me for reasons that feel real.  He loves my writing, my kindness, my mind.  How I suck his dick.  I’m creative.  He enjoys my authenticity and values.

I use my life for helping others–he does too.  We enjoy deep mutual understanding of our life goals and know how to coexist and accomplish things many people only wish about.  We share mutual support.  Our disabilities interact well together.

Hopefully when I get old, he’ll keep loving me, and when my disabilities change.  He’s been in it for good reasons all along.  He was never looking for something normal.

chubby chasers

Chubby chasers exist, but I’ve only seen them like women who wear makeup and high heels, doing beauty and gender in a conventional way.  The chubby chasers I’ve known of are usually straight cis guys who want straight cis women.

I have never been straight, and I’m technically cis.  But gender is a joke, to me, and I can’t hide that.

Chubby chasers seem to be doing relationship and aesthetics in a conventional way, just with fat people instead of usual-sized.  People who love me are not into relationship conventions or aesthetic conventions.  We make our own path, together.  That’s how I need my life to be; I wouldn’t have it any other way.

what dating is

Dating feels like a weird performance.  A subset of socializing that makes even less sense than regular socializing.  Online, it can begin with specifying some parameters, to narrow things down a bit–that can help.

But most daters do the same project: Fooling someone intentionally with kindness for a few months, to get them hooked.  Then letting the truth out bit by bit, the truth being really bad!

1. Sure, I get angry, on rare occasion–doesn’t everyone?
2. I lose my temper from time to time, but it’s not a problem.
3. Hey, I’m in jail.  I got picked up after work today–there was a warrant out for my arrest.  Yeah, there were some old domestic violence charges I never dealt with–that crazy ex.  Totally not my fault.  Can you deal with a logistical thing for my benefit, at great cost to yourself, which I will never really thank you for?

I know that situation all too well, as it happened to me with my ex.  He played enlightened and was actually an abusive asshole.  That wasn’t really dating–we were friends, and I fell in love with him.  But what happened with him felt dating-ish.

He was a sociopath, I think.  I had never been gaslit that bad in my life.

Yeah, I see a little porn.  Well, ok, I see it every day.  Yeah, actually–I’m a full on porn addict and can’t actually be close to people, as I prefer porn to the actual folx in my life who I pretend to love.  People in my life have feelings, needs, will try to hold me accountable, and object when I hurt them.  Porn ladies are just nice and appreciative all the time, as women should be!

a time I dated

I dated a woman briefly, who I met on okcupid, around nine years ago.  We went out to frozen yogurt–one date, after emailing for months.  We had a lot in common, and I thought we liked each other.

Then she disappeared from my life.  I was confused, and will never know why.  We weren’t integrated into one another’s social circles yet.  I’m guessing something difficult happened, unrelated to me.  Her stress level shot up, and I was not high on her priorities list.  So she didn’t reply to me for a few days.  Then she realized she couldn’t maintain what we were doing and ghosted me.

Felt sad, but it’s happened many times, in various ways, with friends, penpals, fans…  People I meet online one way or another.  Tons of people heavily prioritize in person relationships; online stuff is fake, to them, or seriously lesser-than.  Some people need to meet in person and bring it up over and over as a goal.  I don’t need to meet in person, really.  Real life is everywhere–inner life is the most real, to me.

If I want to have someone as part of my family, or have sex with them or cuddle them, in person is preferred.  But otherwise, meeting is totally optional.

friends

I tend to fall in love with friends.  That makes more sense to me, but it can also lead to issues, when the love is unexpected.  The lack of sorting at the beginning can be challenging too.  For example, when I fall in love with monogamous people, that can be a challenge.

Dating reminds me of a political candidate who no one likes but thinks they have to vote for, because the alternative is worse.  “Necessary evil,” people say.

Well, no, it’s not really necessary.  I don’t feel responsible to keep the system going.  Let’s do something else.