My friend sent me a link to this song that made him think of me. It summarizes ideas that I believe really hard about freedom and self-love.
I love my body, and I enjoy loving my body. Definitely I want to talk about that, on this blog and everywhere, and laugh publicly at the oppression I’m expected to participate in. Listening to culture’s bullshit about how I should starve myself intentionally, hate myself, shame myself, and shame other fat people–I laugh at that, heartily. Ha ha ha fuckin ha.
My body is a woman’s body, right now–I am seen that way. But then I am not very attached to gender. Gender is pretty much a joke, to me. I know it’s a complex, fascinating, powerful joke that a ton of people are swept up in.
But I would rather play with it and laugh at it too, rather than stress about whether I’m doing womenness right, or being an ok woman. These big breasts that precede me mean I’m probably going to get read as a woman, whatever I do.
So I perform being a woman–it’s ok. And I do fit many of the specifications. But I don’t need to be a woman at all. I think gender is kind of stupid, really. Not to be a jerk, if you like gender or your gender. That’s cool. I just find it ridiculous.
When I was little, I did stress about all of that. Performing gender was a pain, one of the many parts of life I did not understand and pretended to understand in order to do it right and pass. My attempts to act normal were heartfelt and so much work! Arg!!!
Poor little Nest, doing her damnedest. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, “One day, you can leave all this behind. You won’t need to decide what colors you’re supposed to like, and agonize over why you have to wear a dress, and what it means. You are ok, exactly the way you are.”
This music is telling us that, I think. It’s all couched in a womany way, but probably these musicians would think I didn’t need to be a woman–I can be whoever I am.
Being fat is ok with me. My body is valid. Having a lot of mass, having a large size, being adult, growing hair, having sexual desires, being substantial. All that is fine.
I will not let anyone tell me otherwise, or tell my dear ones otherwise. Long ago I used to accept it–then I grew up.
Thank you for witnessing my adultness and hearing my laughter all over the place. Freedom and self-love nourish me in ways my culture never could.