Long ago, at the university where I went to grad school, I was at the cafe, sitting outside. Someone sitting at another table started telling a sexy story, and I listened curiously.
“I have this friend,” she said. “Whenever her husband does something particularly good, like clean out the gutters or something, she gives him a special treat. The treat is–she takes a fruit roll up and wraps it around his dick. Then she blows him, over the fruit roll up, and sucks it off his dick. He really loves it! It’s some kind of sexual treat that they really enjoy joking about, but then they actually do it.”
Probably everyone within earshot at the cafe was as intrigued as I was, listening to this story. I went home and told my then-husband about it. This was long ago, like 20 years ago! And I’ve been thinking of it since.
“What do you think?” I asked my then-husband, after telling him the fruit roll up sexy story. “Do you want me to do something like that to you?”
He was not interested. His adventurous desires were way different from that. He’s the one who wanted to make porn with me, and when I said no, made it without me.
why we do what we do
But I’ve been thinking since then, of sexual favors. Why do we do what we do, sexually? Lust, love, wanting to be close to someone, wanting to form commitment or family. Desire to procreate, I suppose. Healing, fun, boredom, it’s expected of us. Curiosity. Spiritual longing. The desire for change.
There are organic ways of relating that just happen, bit by bit, growing like a plant. I like those. Going through life, and suddenly I realize I’m having a relationship I really wanted, almost as if by accident. Or I’m in love with someone, unplanned and wonderful.
And there are also big decisions, thought out and intentional. I could make a request for different boundaries or another kind of intimate ask. I like experiments and trying something different.
My dear friend I’ve known for many years through the mail and online said she’s afraid of us meeting in person. She said she’s better in writing and doesn’t always do well, in regular life.
I was sorry about her anxiety and suggested we don’t have to do the usual thing. We could meet and not talk at all. We could do nonverbal activities instead–gardening, dancing, cooking. I used to be extremely quiet in person. Happy to try a different thing.
Some people I do need regular stuff from–out loud communication, cuddle, or sex. But I can get different things from different people; I don’t need everything with everyone. I like it that way! My spouse and I talk a lot. So I can get that from him.
Grateful to the random stranger who inspired me in a university cafe, that day, as I held office hours on the patio. Her sexy story sparked my mind.
I love that there can be so many motivations for sexual behavior, and a playfulness about it and willingness to try different things.