kindness

dear Friend,

I keep thinking I’m done with the part of our relationship where I’m in love with you.  Things feel more casual.  I relax a deeper layer.

“Ah, how nice–things are going in a way that makes more sense,” I tell myself.  “I’m glad things are going to get easier.”

desire

Then I feel desire for you in my body.  I imagine holding you.  My body wants to kiss your neck, feel my breasts and tummy against your chest and tummy, and touch your back for a long time.  To learn who you are in a way that has nothing to do with language or art, or what you’re trying to show the world.  I want to learn who you are in an immediate and animal way.

I’m sure something would surprise me.  But I have a deep faith in your goodness.  The kindness you hand me every day is like a spiritual practice.  I hand the same to you–checking in, caring, wordplay, prayers, how can I help.  It’s been around six months now, and you seem to have chosen me as a good friend, as I’ve chosen you.

The reliability is priceless.  Few people get this from me, and probably few people get it from you.  The dailiness and wealth of compassion, I mean.  A lot of people could get a smile and a kind word, but you are choosing to really be there for me, and I’m extremely lucky.

I want to make love with you, with all of me present.  When I sing to you, my whole body is showing up also.  But something physical with you and collaborative, is what I dream of.

fat

Maybe you could not like me that way.  So many people are mistaken, that being fat means not attractive.  Fat, for so many people, is a code for worthless.

The truth is way more complicated than that.  I am so far from worthless.  My mind is vibrant; my heart can still feel everything it could originally feel, and more.  I never got desensitized–I’m a genius of emotion!

My body can be beautiful–it’s up to you, if you find it beautiful.  The softness of my hips your hands can grab.  The softness of my lips.  The solidness of my weight is trustworthy.  Here I am–all of me.

I guess it’s a combination of what your eyes say, what your dick says…  What your whole self says, to feel the warmth of my skin and the goodness of who I am in every cell of me.

If you don’t respond to that, that’s no fault of anyone.  I could say your upbringing, soda commercials, and blockbuster movies taught you fat is worthless, and you learned the standard thing.  Or you became a regular man in many ways, and the specialness of you that I experience every day is the rarer part.

safe

If you think you’ll be safe with thin women, and socially esteemed–if you need that, I can’t blame you.  Some insecurities are very hard to shake, especially if you’re not motivated to try.

It reminds me of my brother who needed clothes that were popular brands and more expensive.  My mom bought him skater teeshirts and expensive shoes that he would be socially comfortable in.  I didn’t need any of that and wouldn’t have known how to do fashion if I tried.

The thin lady you’re with now is not safe, and I wish you had a girlfriend there who was kind to you, trustworthy, brought you beautiful flowers, and helped you on your path of life, rather than blowing up and attacking you.

Yesterday I realized that the violence she gives you can’t be good for anyone in your community.  I don’t begrudge you love, sex with whoever, daily support in person.  Just I’d prefer if you were more safe for real.

freedom

I was talking about you yesterday with my friend–she always asks about you, as she knows I love you so much.  She mentioned how you could get arrested for domestic violence just as easily if you don’t hit back.  I said, “Yeah, it doesn’t matter what really happened.  It matters what the cop thinks happened.”

Your freedom is important to me.   I wish you would come here and remember something good about love and relative safety.  I would feed you delicious asparagus and Ethiopian food, hold you, and be your lover, if you were open to that.  Maybe your body would learn something helpful, to carry home.

I want to make love with you and come on you–your fingers, your dick, your tongue, your knee maybe!  But mostly I want to come on your kindness.  The part of you that wants the best for everyone, including me.  It’s way bigger kindness than I usually see.  Your kindness is a huge knob my cunt wants to rub on for a long time.

My body wants to push against you there and be as vulnerable as it’s ever been.  I want to take your kindness deep against my cervix.  I want to learn about your magic by coming on it.  I’ve never been so aroused by beautiful goodwill.

I love you, Nest