community

“What’s a community, if it’s based on lies?” I asked.  “A community of convenience.  Gentlemen’s agreement.  Fuckery–bullshit.  A charade.  A waste of time.”

I was having a lot of feelings about communication issues in the community that I live in.  Some friction had occurred, when I said something true but snarky in a meeting.

I was giving voice to a problem that had been brewing for a long time.  The problem was framed as a conflict between me and the person who I snarked to.

But the actual problem, I believe, is not an interpersonal problem, me, or my snark.  The actual problem is Bad Behavior by the other community member.  It’s been going on for years.  Just recently it got worse.

nature place

My spouse wanted to go to a particular nature place, and I was in favor of that idea.  I thought he wanted to take legit a hike.  He is much more of a hiker than I am.  I want to help him do what he loves.

So we went there, which required adding a day to our trip, and staying a night at a hotel.  We drove out to the nature place.  The last bit was on a dirt road.

Then were walking on this boardwalk, having a conversation about boardwalks, holding hands.

“Are you going to take a hike?” I asked.

“No, I wanted to be here with you,” he said.

“Aw!” I said.  “How romantic!”

“I wanted to do something together, with you,” he said.

“So sweet!” I said.  I felt cared for and wanted.  Grateful it’s been eight and a half years, and he still likes me.

community member

We were talking about this community member who is more conservative than the rest of us.  I believe we’re tiptoeing around his prejudices and fears.

“So many things I believe, he couldn’t handle,” I said.

“What’s an easy one, so we could ease into it?” he asked.  He wants to trying being more honest and see what happens.

“I don’t think any of them are easy,” I said.

clinics

I’m angry that our community member has prayed the rosary in front of “an abortion clinic”–probably Planned Parenthood.  It’s sad for me that he wants to curtail the freedom of people who are trying to abort fetuses–or honestly, just get birth control or a pap test.  I’ve been one of the women trying to dodge the Christians holding fetus signs, just to get my depo shot or a refill on my birth control prescription, 15 years ago.

Our community member is valuing the well-being of fetuses over the well-being of actual walking around, full on people-adults.  He wants to see his abortion protesting as a noble thing, as protecting innocent babes.  And he wants to pretend he and his pro-life friends are not about locking up women or doctors, or oppressing women at all.

I can’t get on board with that.  In community with this guy, that’s just one thing we don’t talk about.  I’ve never had an abortion because I never needed one.  Most of my life, I was so opposed to being a mom or even carrying a fetus around, I would have run to the clinic for an abortion, the moment I knew I was pregnant.

There was zero question in my mind.  I need not to be pregnant more than anything.

This community member is being a good Catholic, and he has his reasons.  I couldn’t tell him anything he hasn’t already thought of.  He’s a mostly smart, kind person, deluding himself about how he’s harming women.  And he thinks I’m deluding myself about harming fetuses.  Arguing with him doesn’t seem like a helpful thing to do.

married

I thought of things I believe that would freak out my community member.  Probably my whole community, but this guy especially.  Listing them for my spouse, so he could try to pick an easy one, I’m not sure any are easy.

“We could think one was easy, but he might not,” I said, as my spouse drove us back toward the hotel.

My spouse and I are not legally married, and I mentioned that once to our community member.

“Oh, you’re married,” he said.  He couldn’t for one second consider that we weren’t really married.  The thought was so uncomfortable for him, that he had to define us as married immediately, despite the lack of government paperwork.

He made the food for our wedding dinner.  He tried to kiss me that day also.

list

Here’s the list of my offensive values, beliefs, needs.  Freedom is my favorite thing.

1. Sex work is valid work.
2. Capitalism is harmful.
3. Businesses are usually exploitative.
4. Being fat is perfectly ok.
5. I don’t exist to be beautiful for him or anyone.
6. Abortion should have no restrictions.
7. Sex outside of marriage is ok.
8. Queerness is ok.
9. Many genders / no gender / gender fluidity / gender play /  gender nonconformity are all ok.
10. God doesn’t want you to oppress women.
11. Having multiple partners is ok.
12. Crazy people (such as myself) are valid.
13. Real sex ed is necessary–fuck your abstinence-only repressive bullshit.
14. Christianity and Catholicism aren’t superior religions.
15. Racism can be inside us insidiously.
16. “Getting back to normal” is not a good idea.

disability

I’ve been ouched hearing this community member talk about the slight fatness of one of his daughters–he was saying how she eats good foods, but too much of them.

I was like, wow.  How is that your concern, let alone something to talk about with a group of unrelated people, who have nothing to do with her food choices.  It was really weird.  Not like we were cooking for her or caring for her in any way.

It was about him, I think–how he thinks fat isn’t beautiful, and his daughter has a responsibility to be beautiful, as a woman.  He thinks her perceived failure as a beauty object / sex object reflects on him.

disability

I suggested my spouse could bring up my disabilities, to our community member.  That might be a good starting place, for talking with him about real, possibly-contentious things.  He probably didn’t get the email, so my spouse could tell him about it and ask him if anyone else in the community had brought it up with him.

My controversial news about possibly having autism could be a way for them to talk about something edgy.  I will let you know how it goes.