porn star world

Somebody friended me on instagram, and I don’t know her.  I looked through the friends she follows.  I saw a porn star I know of, on the list.  Then as I continued, I saw another inhabitant of porn star world who I know well and avoid like the plague.  He hurt me really bad, and I want nothing to do with him.

Porn star world intrigues me.  I am almost a sex worker–I guess I’m a sex volunteer.  Hahahaha.  Yeah, I’m anti-capitalist and rely on the kindness of others, as well as SSI, as I’m disabled.

Money is really weird, for me.  I’m horrible at it.  I think everything should be free, so I try to live on disability and good vibes, with varying success.  Neither of my blogs is monetized.

instagram

I look at the instgram photos of the porn makers I like.  Good porn, I mean–something creative and different.  Art porn, maybe.

The photos are filled with vivid color.  There’s flamboyance and visual innovation.  It’s not boring–it’s like a big party.

I may be invited to the party, but I’m never comfortable at it.  My sensory sensitivities and social differences mean I can be social for about an hour a day.  Maybe two, but I’ll pay for that afterward, in the form of extra voices, overwhelm, overtiredness, pain, bewilderment, possible hypomania, and anxiety.  If there’s a lot of sound and motion, I last less than half an hour.

Even if I manage to attend, I am not a good party person.  Lighthearted–no.  Fun-loving–eh, not that kind of fun, usually.  I don’t drink alcohol or enjoy drugs.  It takes me a minute to figure out what’s expected of me, and whether I want to do what’s expected or something else.

Hahahaha–that’s the perfect summary of me.  Ever-deciding.  So yeah, there’s that–the disability factor.

fatness

Then is the fatness factor.   The only way to be a good porn star who’s fat that I know of is to do gender really explicitly.  I would need tight clothes, sexy in a straightforward lady way, high heels, makeup, sexy hair?

I don’t even know how to do all that–let alone enjoy it.  Never learned how to put on make up.  Don’t know if I can even walk in high heels.  My ankles are really important to me.  They have never been strong.

Even if I could do all that, some parts of my body might be ok, but not others.  My tits could be ok, but not my huge tummy.  Or the size of my ass could be ok, but not the lumpiness of my thighs.

I don’t want to live like that.  My tummy is my darling; my legs do great.  Nothing will make me ashamed of my body, not any part of it.

I could do a different gender maybe?  But not really.  I don’t make a good dude.  As for a nonbinary person, not sure how to do that.  Maybe I’m nonbinaryish all the time?  But I’m not read as nonbinary.  These breasts are my joy, but I feel like they limit my gender presentation choices.

bad news

The asshole porn star I loved before has his tentacles sunk many places.   Maybe he would be civil to me and not sabotage me, in the porn star world environment?

I get the feeling we were playing to begin with.  He was never authentic with me.  So if performance is his norm, maybe he would perform nice, to try to hide his entitled, misogynist, manipulative hater bullshit.  It would probably be in his best interest to act nice to me, at least when other people are looking.

appealing

The porn star world I mention is so appealing to me.  I drool, like a poor kid at the window of the candy store.  How could I get there?

I want to live where bodies are ok, and sexuality is handled in a playful way that makes more sense to me.  I can’t take puritanical hypocrisy, where people pretend a lot of straight-laced monogamy then cheat like crazy and do sexual violence behind closed doors.

Also I dislike mainstream sexy, with its yuck values of capitalism and domination.  BDSM is explicit in its planned power exchange–mainstream sexuality is usually BDSM, but for reals!  That dude really is dominating you, non-consensually, every day.  And there is no safeword.

That’s why I love naked bike rides.  I believe in all that, really hard–Pleasure Activism, showing the repressed world that there’s another way.  Loving bodies, sexuality, the joy of being a spectacle for a good cause.  We are traffic!

maybe

Maybe one day I can enter that world.  For now I will be instagram friends with neurotypical, non-disabled people who are common size and can do what I can’t.