For so long, I’ve been getting restless, from time to time. I had an okcupid profile and would look at matches and potential friends.
Maybe it could be timed with when I ovulated, this feeling that I need to look for something different, new experiences. What’s out there? Could it be fun?
A longing undefined. I would look at the craigslist for a city I dreamed of moving to. Reading want ads, to see a job I might like. Personal ads on craigslist, mostly a shitshow of NSA sadness, but rarely something interesting that sparked a new thought.
unexpectedly fetlife
Last night I was poking around instagram and saw a person using a rare hashtag I enjoy. Link led to link, and I ended up on fetlife. I remembered my username, and wow, my password still worked!
So I’m looking at my fetlife profile from 12 years ago or whatever. I see my three friends on there.
One I no longer know at all, and I unfriended her, as I had really loved her, but she was bad news for me.
The second, I like very much still, and realized I had recently deleted the txt thread we had going, as I periodically delete txt threads, as my phone is perpetually at the edge of full.
But deleting a txt thread means I might inadvertently stop speaking to someone. Oops. That was the case. Well, maybe it was time to try something new with that friend anyway. I had been initiating contact just about every time. They seem to appreciate that, but the situation might contribute to general social burnout.
The third, I don’t think I ever knew in person or spoke with much at all. But I left him there, so I’d have more than one friend. Thanks for letting me use you, two nouns and a number.
way back
I joined fetlife long ago, when I was married to an ex and living in another city. Back then I had a friend who was trying kink and wanted me to go to munches with him, as a buddy.
I was like–uh, ok? At the time, I was sexblogging two sites ago, but wasn’t doing anything too kinky in regular life.
As it happened, I never went to a munch with that guy. Things got complicated with him–I realized he had started being my friend because he sexually likes my body type and intelligence type. There was a bit of attraction there, and I considered trying something out with him.
Then he did a behavior I found reprehensible and deal breakery, so I was like–no way. He wanted to see me a lot, and at the time of the deal breaker, I saw his MO and stopped seeing him as much.
Also he did something I didn’t like, violating my boundary, and I decided he was too erratic and motivated by desire for novelty at others’ expense. Then he moved away.
what I want
I want someone to cuddle with, when covid is over. And I want someone to have phone sex with.
For me, this my definition of sex. Sex is an intentional, consensual, significant exchange of erotic energy. So it doesn’t need to be in person, doesn’t need to involve body contact, no orgasms required, no bodies needed at all, really. Mediated through technology is perfectly fine–actually preferred, in covid times.
There’s a friend I knew many years as a penpal, and a few months ago, she mentioned in an email that I look hot in the pics she saw me post online. She’s an important force in my life, helping me learn it’s ok to talk about anything–I’d thought, until she showed me otherwise, that some things really could not be admitted or put into language, let alone committed to print.
At the time, I found her truth overwhelming and terrifying. She talked about abuse and violation, and it blew my mind, as I had never talked about similar things that had been done to me.
I let her bravery change me. She inspired me into deeper communication and new levels of honesty, around 15 years ago–she changed my life. I never could do the things I do today, if I hadn’t learned its ok to say anything I want to say. We’ve maintained contact since then.
good candidate
This friend seemed a good candidate for phone sex–articulate, open, interesting, likes me, thinks I’m hot. I find her hot also, tho I’ve never seen a picture of her, of modern times. So I asked, and she said no.
But I think my ask helped her understand how much I like her, and our friendship changed. She went from being someone I was in touch with sporadically, to one of my closest friends who I speak with every day. I’m very grateful for that.
second try
I also talked to another friend, about phone sex. Someone I’ve known for a long time, also maybe 15 years, and feel super comfortable with. They live elsewhere also, but they’re a traveler, and we’ve met in person a few times. They and a partner visited this city and stayed at our house, a few years ago, in the guest room.
I didn’t ask this friend for phone sex exactly, but brought up that I’d been thinking about asking them–we had a conversation about possibilities. I was afraid of falling in love with them. Not sure I stated my fear so succinctly, but that’s what I meant. We talked about possible outcomes, what we wanted and could handle.
I’m sorry if it was awkward to half-ask. They said no, that they couldn’t handle a long distance something right now. I felt slightly disappointed.
That friend and I Marco Polo sometimes–I had always felt like I didn’t have to be careful about wearing adequate clothes and how this friend was perceiving me. Their “no” meant I felt more guarded, which was sad, as I had enjoyed feeling extra free, with them.
One time they’d mentioned wanting to kiss me, in the context of a lot of care, and I’d interpreted that as looser boundaries. I must have been mistaken.
nowish
I updated my fetlife profile, read and replied to a message someone sent me two years ago–her breasts are super pretty. Changed my username to reflect modern times, updated my About Me and what I’m looking for, uploaded a modern userpic. Thinking about how I portray myself sexually.
Maybe I’ll find someone to have phone sex with. But I wanted to feel really safe, which is why the two people I’d asked / sort of asked are old friends. Phone sex is about tenderness, for me. I don’t want to get swept up in someone else’s agenda. And tenderness could come from us caring for one another for 15 years.
I sound so old fashioned, don’t I. Nest the old fashioned sex blogger. Doing it like 2005.
So yeah, all this to say–what do you think about fetlife? I don’t need more than I have, but I do get restless. I love options. Maybe I’m ovulating. Love to all the seekers of all kinds.
