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smut theory

the porn addict

red curry

That night the pron addict told me he had a porn addiction, we were at the Thai place by his apartment, and something in me constricted, grossed out.  Then about one second letter, I felt a rush of compassion.  I reached out to him with my arms.  I held him.  He was wearing that blue jacket.

I think that was the night he kissed me for the first time, on the mouth–we’d kissed on the cheek every day, but never on the mouth.

Saying goodbye that night, we were hugging for a long time, and we looked into one another’s eyes.  He asked, “Do you want me to kiss you?”

“Yeah,” I said.

The kiss didn’t feel like I thought it would.  His mouth didn’t appeal to me.  The kiss didn’t feel tender or connective–it felt more like a gesture.

Still, I felt faint.  I couldn’t believe we had kissed like that, under the streetlight, finally, what I wanted.  

I hoped it was one kiss of many; it meant he might become my boyfriend.  I turned away immediately, overwhelmed.  I got into the car with my spouse, and we drove home.

hot springs

Weeks later, at the hot springs, we went into a little roofless room with its big tub.  We took off our clothes.  It was me, my spouse, and him.  I had seen him almost naked, but never entirely so.  It felt normal, sitting together in the hot water.  

He wanted to touch us in the water.  He grabbed my feet and massaged them.  We held hands, like we often held hands.  

He poured water over my shoulders and watched it flow onto my breasts.  It was a way to be naked together without having sex.  He touched my breasts that day, but not the nipple parts.

Once when he massaged my feet, I noticed his erection in the water.  Later I mentioned it to him, and he didn’t remember.  Between soaks, we sat on the patio couch together, cuddled close, very relaxed.  

camping

The camping trip we took to Death Valley, it was so cold.  We sat by the fire that night, and he read to me.  We held hands, and he looked at me in the fireglow.  I could see his love for me.  

My spouse went to sleep in the tent, while my friend read aloud, and then we stopped reading and just sat.  He kissed me on the mouth again.  He was adoring me.  I felt something important was happening, but I didn’t know what it was.

I asked him to walk me to the bathroom.  It was getting colder and colder, around 2 in the morning.  He did, and then we went to bed in the tent.  I couldn’t stop shivering. 

My spouse slept–my friend realized I was shivering and came close to me, cuddling behind me, lifting his shirt and mine, so our skin would be in contact.  He held me like that.

I felt him push his erection against my back.  I felt his dick move, not with thrusts, but more like little twitches.

We stayed like that, him pushing his erection against me, for a long time.  I warmed up.  He must have fallen asleep, and then I did.

new years

New Years we went to a place I loved and had a fire.  I wanted to have a fire all night, till dawn.  We got very cold there too.  At midnight he kissed my spouse and kissed me.  

His ex-girlfriend called him on his cellphone, and he talked to her for a long time, standing near the fire.  I listened to the whole thing.  She was upset and drunk, and he comforted her repetitively.

I felt really hurt, listening to him comfort her in a way he didn’t comfort me, very permissive to her and patient in a way he never was to me.  I was jealous, confused why she deserved that kindness and I didn’t, and annoyed that I had to listen to it for that long.

The next day, we had our first really bad argument.  I brought up how I felt about the phone call, and he told me horrible things about me.  I was shocked by his level of meanness.  He twisted my words so I was evil he could attack.  But I wasn’t evil–I was just hurting and honest, coming to him with my feelings and asking for help.

He was in total control of the relationship.  My pain at his phonecall wasn’t part of his plan.  Talking about my feelings was completely selfish and controlling, in his opinion, and a waste of his time.  

He raged at me.  He told me I was a very bad person and toxic.  I struggled to understand.

He said I was too attached and berated me for being angry.  Looking back I understand–he was the one who was too attached and too angry.  But at the time, I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

content warning: violence

Later he road raged while driving my car, threatened to kill his neighbor in front of me, and behaved very badly up to harassment and stalking, when I tried to get away from him.  Should I leave that part out?  

How about when he called me from jail.  He wanted my spouse and my community member who has a truck to pick up his scooter from the parking lot where he’d been arrested.  

His tags were expired, and the cops who pulled him over saw there was a warrant out for his arrest, because of old domestic violence charges he’d never showed up to court for.  The next day, he was free, having charmed the judge, who dropped all the charges.

I lost the silver quarter the porn addict gave me.  People who hate him for what he did to other people before me still shun me.  The extremely soft blanket he gave me is in the closet.  I don’t know what to do with it.

By Nest

Curious, disabled Earth Goddess, telling the truth.

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